Dalrock writes about an article in The Atlantic titled Diary of toxic love. How this article was ever approved to be run at such a magazine is beyond me, not least because it is about a thousand words too long. Long drawn out drivel about how terrible it was for a woman to be in a relationship with a man who didn’t put up with her adult-child behavior. Disagreeing with a woman is now what is known as emotional abuse. Which then leads these women to run around claiming that they are ‘survivors’. As Dalrock observes, the guy dodged a bullet.
I skimmed through the article but this section jumped out at me. This is the ex-boyfriend speaking:
He felt Lauren looked to him primarily for praise, but to him, there was a philosophical difference: Romantic partners should also offer honest, frank commentary. He said he delivered his comments“with kid gloves” and in private. “If I wasn’t being honest with her about the fact that an outfit she had on didn’t flatter her or that the choices she was making were not the best choices for her,” he told me, “if I didn’t say something to her, that was a fundamental flaw in my being part of the relationship.”
In other words, he told her how he saw it. He didn’t offer her false platitudes so she would stop bothering him, rather he was completely honest at all times.
Lauren set about trying to improve the relationship, starting with asking her boyfriend to give her more compliments. It didn’t work. “You look like ass,” he told Lauren one day that spring, according to her chats.
The honesty aside, it sure is an interesting way to seek to improve a relationship. Get your boyfriend to give you more compliments? Verily the mind does boggle.
Lauren and her boyfriend saw a couples’ therapist. According to Lauren, her ex told the therapist Lauren should lose weight, and the therapist appeared to side with him. “It was totally unproductive,” Lauren told me.
When one therapist is “unproductive” just shop around until you find one that will tell you what you want to hear.
He may have dodged a bullet but he ended up staying with her for far too long. Which tells me that she was either crazy hot or it was crazy sex. In any case she comes across as flat out crazy. Are all women bi-polar these days? Maybe these drugs that people are giving their kids are truly rotting their developing brains.
But this post is about honesty. This is actually a tricky road to negotiate for the relatively inexperienced man. Because there are two vastly different approaches to honesty as regards to women and both are equally valid.
In regards to game and picking up girls, the last thing you want to be is honest. You’re not telling her what she needs to hear, you’re telling her what she wants to hear so you can get laid. It is entirely a short term strategy. The art of pickup is a game where both people maneuver around each other using falsehoods and untruths as weapons. Tell an overweight girl that she looks fat and your chances are blown, (luckily for you). Tell a slim and beautiful girl that she looks slim and beautiful and her response will be to stifle a yawn. On and on it goes.
But when it comes to long term relationships and marriage you need to take the opposite approach. It is crucial that you are honest. There are a few reasons for this.
Pickup techniques and game all work extremely well on shallow women. The shallower the woman, the better the techniques work. This is great for a one night stand but it is very poor when considering a long term prospect. Thus if a man meets a woman that he considers to be an outstanding prospect for a long term mate, the last thing he should do is to practice outright game techniques on her. This in no way means that he attempts to seduce her by the brutal straight-up approach – “ya wanna root?” He still has to seduce her but it needs to be done in a different manner using a more subtle approach.
Likewise when the relationship is just beginning and moving along nicely he needs to set the tone for what is to come. The standard you set at the beginning is the standard that she will expect and accept from that point on. You cannot start low and then try to ramp it up later on.
And this is where honesty comes in to play. Adults have adult conversations. Adults have mature expectations. Honesty is the opposite of the special snowflake syndrome. Being honest will reveal if you are dealing with an emotional flake. That is exactly what happened to the guy in The Atlantic’s article. The only problem was that he took two years to act on it. The sex must have been very good indeed.
Let’s try an example. You’re in the early stages of a new relationship and your girlfriend mentions to you that she wants to adopt children at some point in her life. The idea of adopting children is anathema to you. Do you murmur some response that adopting children might be nice? Or do you flat out tell her that you have no intention of ever adopting children?
Her reaction to this might well be negative but you will have set the tone and the future expectation on this issue. More than that, you will have set the tone for any issue. Her expectation will be that you will say it as you see it. This implies moral strength and strength of character on your part. It also infers respect to the woman in this case as you assume that she can handle the truth. And if she can’t then you have your answer.
You can’t begin a relationship telling a woman pretty lies and then expect to be able to have mature adult conversations with her at a later point. If she accepted the pretty lies then she’s not an adult, and if she was an adult then she would have seen through your pretty lies.