Brian Lombardi of the New York Times may just be a complete troll who has turned the internet in on itself. But the New York Times is incapable of self-parody which leads me to believe that this shit is real. So in the interests of all real men everywhere and males who would one day like to reach the heady heights of being a man, let’s fisk this nonsense.
Brian’s comments in italics, my comments after.
1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.
Oh dear. Who asks their sister-in-law’s advice for anything? They’re like a mother-in-law but without the hair curlers. Any male who purchases shoes for his wife please stand over there against the wall. Just a little bit to the left … hold still … I’m sorry, did you want a blindfold?
2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.
I tell you what, my confidence suck when I read this shit by Brian. Based on his premise, if you were on your way to be gassed at Treblinka you’d just have to put up with it until you really were dead, all the while pretending to yourself that things were going swimmingly. Who uses phrases like ‘going swimmingly’ anyway?
3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.
Anybody who goes to a movie theater these days is a dead-set twit. What with people munching popcorn in your ear, lots of ‘ruckus’, and about 50 small little illuminated screens in front of you held by people checking their latest tweet, you wouldn’t see me in one of those places for quids.
4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.
‘Privilege,’ eh? Where have I seen that word lately? Anyway, this so-called modern man seems to be inordinately dependent on other people’s good opinion. That’s not a man. A real man is independent of the good opinion of other people and will eat what he feels like regardless of other people’s whims over which he has no control.
5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.
But he will blow countless hours shopping for shoes for his wife. What a dipshit.
6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.
I can’t think of a single reasonable reason to do this. Hang on a second … nope, none at all.
7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.
I ain’t walking in your house buddy as I run the risk of turning into some form of she-male. Anyway, if a man wants to judge people he’ll pick decent things; scotch whiskey, cigars, motorbikes, guitar strings, leather wallets … soda? Really?
8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.
I prefer, maladroit.
9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.
I may have a daughter, but I’m not sure. Hopefully she’ll have the good sense not to knock on my door and introduce herself until she’s at least 25.
10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.
Hasn’t this guy heard of a dishwasher? It’s called a wife.
11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.
But he will recharge his family’s electronic devices like a good little boy.
12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.
I had to look up what this stuff was. It appears to be the American version of Old Spice. I use Bottega Veneta shower gel myself. Lovely stuff. Chicks dig it.
13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.
Why? Is this like saying you can’t be a racist because you have a black friend?
14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.
Nowhere is suitable for your face to be buried in a phone. Is he saying that all other places are okay except for markets? Why can’t this guy write properly? Oh, that’s right; the New York Times.
15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.
What is it with this guy and shoes? Is it some sort of fetish? Does this also mean that he kicks his children in the face? Is that even still allowed?
16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.
Notice the word, ‘try’. It’s key to this entire list. I’m pretty sure that Brian’s wife has been keen to get away for quite some time now.
17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?
This one, more than any other, leads me to believe that this can only be an elaborate troll.
18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.
Shoes again. It’s a fetish I tell ya!
19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.
Sorry for what? That she got violently raped by the intruder that his college try didn’t successfully defeat?
20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.
But before you weren’t letting anyone know that your confidence had shrunk. So which is it? (I reckon I know one of his thing’s that has shrunk …)
21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.
If my non-existent 25 year old daughter does this she better not get any on my Kenneth Cole oxfords, I can tell you.
22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.
A ‘crisp’ newspaper? I sure hope the fuck that this Brian guy doesn’t write poetry, (I bet he does).
23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).
I lent my copy of ‘Heat’ to a friend. He still hasn’t given it back. I’m gonna have to put on my Kenneth Coles and do some stomping here.
24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.
This sentence makes no sense at all. How does a phone ‘need’ to run flat? It either runs flat or it doesn’t. A phone doesn’t have needs. Unless the Japs have suddenly got really fucking inventive.
25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
26. The modern man cries. He cries often.
While watching his wife getting raped by that intruder because he didn’t have a gun.
27. (Why 27? Why not 26? This is the most arbitrary number in the history of crap lists on the internet). People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.
I don’t know about you guys but I am quite ignorant about the dancing abilities of everyone I know. Normal people don’t ponder this sort of thing. Normal people don’t read the New York Times either.