The deadwalkers are on the rise. In some countries, such as China, they are out of control. They are akin to an apocalypse army of undead, roaming the streets in legions of vacuum-eyed zombies striking terror into all those who stumble across their path.

They are the fuckwits who walk around texting on their phone.

These morons used to get up my goat in a big way. I would purposely bump into them, creating a small scene as we jostled for control of the footpath. In every case they raised their eyes with a mixture of surprise and indignation; communicating in effect that they had been unaware of my presence until our first physical contact.

Now I know better. For they are lying. To me, to you, and to maybe even themselves.

For I have stumbled across the secret to defeating the deadwalkers. Now I make them scurry out of my way. They amble towards me on the footpath, their head down as their thumb busily slides across their phone’s surface. They are confident that I will get out of their way. Their selfishness is superior to my comfortable use of the sidewalk. But with my new-found ‘deadwalker-slayer’ power, I summon the Gods of outrage as I enact my spell:

I look vaguely up and to the side. What am I looking at? Something high up on a building? Perhaps a billboard has caught my eye? Is a damsel in distress about to leap from an upper window?

No. I am looking at nothing. I am walking purposely whilst not looking in their direction. Which means we are about to collide. Out of the corner of my eye I see them briefly look up. They register that they have an immediate problem. They look down again in an attempt to will me to step out of their way. This fails. At the last moment they weave to the side and I pass through their space without even a slight movement of the shoulder to avoid them.

The fact that they get out of my way, every single time, establishes that they are selfish dipshits who think that the world owes them a living while they walk down the road using their phone, seemingly oblivious to all that happens around them. They are not oblivious, my friends. They can be neutralised, even if but for a moment.

Join me in my quest to cause the deadwalkers much pain and anguish. And if you yourself are a deadwalker, I’m coming for you, baby.