I am on holiday. Somewhere in Thailand. I cannot tell you where as I do not want my hordes of fans to descend on me, besieging me with demands to sign their vulvas. I also don’t want Isis to discover my whereabouts as I have been known to be highly critical of their sartorial weaknesses which are many and hideous. How on earth they imagined that wearing black pajamas and demented eighties head bands would inspire millions of would-be fiends is beyond me. And kudos to the the guy who thought of wearing black in the middle of the fucking desert.

But I am on holiday. And over the next week or so I intend to write demeaning caricatures of my fellow guests, solely to entertain myself. There will be no holiday snaps. I am however, free to break any of my self-imposed rules at any time.

Being on holiday lets you think with clarity. This is perhaps its most attractive feature. That and the alcohol. I’m in the process of formulating several cunning plans. The other good bit about being on holiday is having the time to realise which of the cunning plans are in fact big fat stinkers.

The hotel, carefully chosen, is a success. Here are my rigid criteria for a hotel where one wishes to holiday:

  • The room must be luxurious, tastefully decorated, and more comfortable than my own living room back home. This, admittedly, is not a big ask.
  • The barman must be able to mix a drink. It turns out the barman here can actually mix a martini.
  • The other guests must be bearable while still being mockable.
  • The food must be on the money.
  • There must be a lovely young Malaysian maiden who is completing her hospitality work experience by working at reception. This, I must admit, is a new addition to my criteria.
  • The staff must genuinely laugh at my jokes and antics. Or at least seem genuine.

After three days the guest relations manager has got the message that we do not require his services. I have also had the pleasure of discovering Boodles gin. This is now my number one gin of all time. It is the drink of choice for writers besieged by fans while on holiday everywhere.