10th trait – The modern man is confident.

sean connery

It’s Thursday morning where I live. Time for another trait:

The modern man is confident.

Sean Connery, when asked to name the top three qualities to attract women answered, ‘Confidence, confidence, and confidence.’ His response was serious and there’s a great deal going on in that answer if you care to dig around.

Confidence is being independent of the good opinion of other people. A confident man does not seek acclaim nor approval. Can you imagine Mr Connery asking if he looks good in this photo? Can you imagine him carrying the photo around telling people that he does look good in the same photo? Of course not. Were such a thing to happen you would have to wonder if he had lost his mind.

And yet. And yet. Plenty of men do this exact same thing with every aspect of their lives. The constant seeking of external approval belies a deep insecurity in who the man really is. A confident man is not hollow inside, and a hollow man is not and cannot be confident. The PUA society, (pick-up artists), use lines, approaches, and body language to seduce women. But as Nick Krauser says in this excellent interview, game is 90% internal. It is the work you do on yourself that truly makes the difference when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

How interesting are you as a man? Do you have anything to say of substance? Are you a good listener? Do you question what is around you or do you take everything at face value? Have you made the effort to break out of a slave mindset and start on the path to become a true individual man? Or are you just one of the herd?

Finish school, go to college, get a job that you hate, marry the first woman who agrees to put up with you, have as many kids as she wants, support them, constantly apologize for your every action, apologize for being a man, have a hobby that you can devote time to when you are ‘allowed to’, become old, wonder if this was all that there was.

Confidence. It means that you have done the work. It means that you are secure in yourself, in your own skin. That you don’t need anyone else. If you don’t need anyone else then you are attractive to other people. Now you can attract a truly great woman who herself is confident and does not need anyone else. Together the two of you are better than if you were alone. You are a team.

You will never attract this sort of woman using pickup lines and cheap tricks. You will only attract cheap women who fall for those banalities. You need to do the work, to peel away your ego and rebuild yourself as a confident man. My book is the story of how I did this. Getting women was not my goal. Becoming a better person was my desired outcome. If you don’t like who you are then how can you expect anyone else to like or value you? It is impossible to be confident in that context.

Confidence is the natural outcome of doing the internal work and becoming a better man. You do not try to be confident – that is like faking sincerity. You do the work on yourself and bit by bit you will become more confident with who you are. If you are confident then you don’t need external appraisal or approval. You are who you are – take it or leave it.

The modern man is confident.

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