Adam Piggott

Gentleman adventurer

24th trait – The modern man does not have a serious girlfriend.


Yeah, the next on the list is a good one:

The modern man does not have a serious girlfriend.

Yesterday I finished reading Rollo Tomassi’s book The Rational Male. It’s been an excellent read both for the quality of the material and also for the way it dove-tails with my own experiences and opinions that I have learned and formulated over the past 20 odd years. A few times I have come to a chapter where he has articulated similar views as to what I have come up with in my series on the traits of a modern man.

A topic that we share similar views on is whether a man should live with a serious girlfriend, or any girlfriend for that matter. As Tomassi states it,

“… never under any circumstance live with a woman you aren’t married to or are not planning to marry within six months …”

There are multiple reasons why doing this is a very poor idea in a strategic sense. Tomassi argues that the primary drawback is a decrease in sexual availability and desire, and that Beta males enter into these arrangements due to not having other viable options. I agree but I think there is another major reason why this is a bad idea and because of it I need to change the statement somewhat:

Never under any circumstance have a serious and committed relationship with a woman that you do not intend to marry within six months.

By having a serious girlfriend you are limiting your options for someone who plainly isn’t worth it. If she was worth it then you would formally commit, as she would attempt to do with you if you were worth a commitment on her part. Both parties are wasting each others time until something better comes along.

But lets talk about if a situation occurs when someone better does come along, someone who is worth making a formal commitment. The problem is that you are already in a relationship with all the trappings of formality but none of the real commitment. And anyone who is marriage material probably will not appreciate the fact that you are so willing to dump what appears to be a formal commitment in order to pursue her. What message are you sending by doing this? You’re explicitly telling the other person that you don’t value formal commitments enough to continue to honor them if something better comes along.

In other words, anyone who would gladly accept a new partner who has ended a formal commitment to be with them isn’t worth committing to in the first instance.

I used to justify my past serious relationships with the reasoning that they taught me what is or is not acceptable within the confines of a serious relationship. This was misguided thinking. In reality it is not hard to know what is acceptable and what is not. Treating someone like shit isn’t acceptable and you don’t need to have a bunch of relationships in order to work that out.

Listen to me one time – relationships are not work. You don’t have to work hard to have a great relationship. A great relationship is easy, that’s what makes it a great relationship. Any relationship which requires work isn’t worth being in in the first place. Every person that has ever told me that relationships need a lot of hard work has inevitably been in a fucked up relationship.

When you discover a person that you can have a great relationship with you’ll want to marry them at the earliest opportunity. So you better be free and clear when they happen to come along. Don’t believe the ‘lonely old man’ myth. If you believe that then you’ll likely settle for someone who was second rate at best.

What you want to do is have a bunch of different girls on the go at any one time, spinning plates as it is known. When you think that you’ve found a woman who is worth committing to, then give her a shot. You will know within three months whether it is the case or not. If it’s not then go back to spinning plates. As it can take a while as a young man to work through your raging hormones and the difference between what is up and down, I concur with Tomassi that it is a poor idea for a man to get married before the age of thirty.

The modern man does not have a serious girlfriend.


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  1. Khan

    You can both be a person who enjoys a serious relationship and a person who has no desire to ever fill out a legal marriage certificate.
    I agree that you should not willingly enter into relationships that are hard work. But all relationships with everyone in your life will take some work to maintain.

    • Adam

      You don’t ‘enjoy’ a serious relationship as much as you quickly acquire legal responsibilities from such an arrangement with or without a marriage certificate.

      What is your definition of work in this circumstance? I don’t count empathy, communication, understanding or time spent together as work in my marriage. Tellingly, it was work in all my previous relationships.

  2. tomas grace

    Nice post! I recall telling a girl about spinning plates (actually I sent her Rollo’s post) which she classified as stupid.

    Which means’ it’s bang-on!

    Yea, relationships are work. Good point that if it is, then it’s not a good one. Bail!

    • Adam

      I generally try to avoid showing women red-pill information unless my desire is to torment them.

  3. dearieme

    Writer, I married her.

  4. “There are multiple reasons why doing this is a very poor idea in a strategic sense. Tomassi argues that the primary drawback is a decrease in sexual availability and desire…”

    Hi Adam,

    Great article. As a life long player who has avoided settling down until now (late 30’s), this section resonated with me strongly. I’m with a ‘marriage material’ woman now, and we’re engaged. We’ve been together coming up 4 years, and the sexual desire is not there anymore. Logically, yes, she’s still really hot, but physically, I’m just not as interested.

    Question – in your view, how does one deal with this? I’ve read a lot about ‘open relationship’ solutions, and have experimented with these in the past, however they also have their own disadvantages (stressful and so on). I’m wanting to start a family with her, but am hesitating at potentially singing up to a lifetime of a poor sex life.


    • Adam

      Hi Craig,

      Take everything I say here with a grain of the proverbial salt. Your own circumstances are unique, and only you truly understand them.

      Based on the information that you have provided I have the following thoughts:

      1. You’re with a marriage material woman now but after 4 years you still haven’t married her. Being engaged doesn’t count for this length of time. Your actions don’t match up with your words. The question you need to ask yourself is why this is the case. Is she really marriage material or are you merely going through the trappings of a relationship until something better comes along?

      2. Blackdragon, who is on my blog list, swears by open relationships. However, he is a man who already has grown children from his previous marriage. His philosophy can be boiled down to “no drama” and I entirely agree with this. However, I think that it would be extremely challenging to start a family with an open relationship and make it work in this way. In all likelihood it would be the opposite of no drama.

      3. Your sexual interest in your wife will inevitably wane over time. What will sustain your relationship is the depth of commitment you have for each other. You are not the same man at 40 that you were at 20. To attempt to hold on to the pleasures of youth at such an age is indicative of not proceeding through life as is intended. Read Cicero’s magnificent work, “How to grow old” to gain some perspective on this.

      Your lack of sexual interest in your fiancee coupled with the fact that you haven’t married her tells me that either this isn’t the woman for you or that you went into the relationship with the incorrect strategy. Whatever the case may be, learn from it and make sure to implement proper strategies in the future.

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