How to find new buddies.

Club-with-layout

Oh noes! Model train hobbying is rife with sexism!

Rollo has a great post about male tribes and dynamics that I really recommend you go read. It’s about how men make friends, (we’re not talking women here as it is not possible for men and women to be friends). I get asked quite often how to make friends when you move to a new city or country. My advice has always been to join sporting clubs and hobby groups but until I read Rollo’s post I wasn’t able to define it well enough.

Women talk, men do.

Women get together to communicate with each other and their desired outcome is how that conversation will make them feel. Emotional feeling is the most important thing to women, which is why so many of them constantly go on about how men should be in touch with their feelings. They mistake their primacy for what they think should also be important for men.

Feelings are not important to men. We feel, of course, but we don’t go around seeking feelings. Men need to create. We need to do things. Men don’t get together just to talk unless they are doing something else or have just done something together. Men can talk but it must be about something as the content is crucial. The exception to this is a group of men who are already buddies by dint of previous stuff they have done together. But usually they will get together to relive those shared experiences.

Think of a book club. Women will generally talk about how the book made them feel and they will attempt to place it in a context. Men will talk about what the book meant; they are interested in the content. This difference is the underpinning of communication difficulties between men and women in general.

If men require content and they need something to do it stands to reason that the way to make new friends is to do something together with other men. The first thing I did when I moved to Melbourne was join a cricket club. I knew that I needed male association but it’s not going to come to you on its own. You have to get out there and find it.

However, for the most part I only associate with the men in that club when I’m playing cricket. I haven’t fought enough battles together with those men to comfortably hang out and shoot the shit away from our shared purpose of winning cricket games and training together. If I caught up with a bunch of old rafting buddies we could shit the shit for a whole week without much effort. After about an hour talking with my cricket mates I get the urge to make my excuses and leave.

Trying to make friends is almost like trying to pick up women. If you’re desperate and you’re forcing it nobody is going to feel comfortable around you. Likewise if you’re stilted or uptight you’re not going to get very far at your new cricket club. You’ll just be the uptight guy. You need to be able to put people at ease, to be comfortable initiating conversation. You can learn how to do this, it’s basically game but you’re not trying to sleep with them, (hopefully).

The crucial element in this is that the club, or hobby, or space is a male zone. Women fundamentally change the dynamic from one of content and doing to one of feelings. This doesn’t make them bad it is just what women seek. However, as Rollo points out in today’s feminine-primacy world this is increasingly difficult.

Thus, by assuring that feminine primacy is equated with the idea of inclusive equalism, all Male Space is effectively required to be “unisex space” while all-female sub-tribes must remain exclusively female.

This is done today from a very young age. Consider the Girl Guides and Scouts associations. The Girl Guides is strictly female only while the Scouts has been completely co-opted and is now unisex to the point that many Scout brigades have more girls than boys.

Male sports are a good bet as are very masculine hobbies, (hunting for example) and very nerdy hobbies, (the guys in the above photo should be safe from the screeching feminist hordes for a little longer). It is crucial that no female incursion is allowed into the male space at any point. If you are new to the group and this is happening then it will be difficult for you to object due to your low status. Better to ride it out and establish yourself and then form a new group where the rules are clear from the start.

You need to keep the ultimate goal here in mind. You are trying to form new male friendships. Men do this through doing. Women do this through their feelings. Therefore if you allow women into the space the dynamic will change to the extent that you will not make new friendships. Anyone who has gone on a camping trip with a group of buddies and one guy brings along his girlfriend will know how easily this dynamic is upset.

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