stretching … not cheering.
I consider the topic of whether guys and girls can just be friends to be so obvious as to be totally beyond any discussion. But yesterday I was chatting to some “young people” and I discovered that there is an entire generation out there who are convinced that guys and girls can be best friends and it’s not even close.
I will approach this from the male perspective, seeing as this is a site geared towards men. The question for men is not, can you be friends with girls; it is more why would you want to?
Men and women are geared differently. Women talk, men do. When men actually talk it’s predominately about doing stuff or things that they’ve done together. Women talk about feelings – how something makes them feel, how they feel at that moment, how they expect to feel blah blah blah, shoot me now.
When men do something it is done for the sake of doing it. When women do the same thing it becomes how they did it even though they are a woman. “Look at me I beat the men!” It becomes a constant drawing of attention to their biological sex combined with the inevitable outrage when they’re subsequently not treated like one of the boys.
Every man I know has multiple stories of activities with their mates being ruined when one guy brings along his girlfriend. Perhaps it’s a regular camping trip combined with a sports activity like kayaking. This is an excuse to go out and get dirty and then talk shit around the campfire that night while consuming copious supplies of alcohol. Throw one girlfriend into that mix and it won’t be long before their conversation is making her “uncomfortable”.
Throw one girl into the mix who is unattached and even moderately attractive, and the dynamic will change again. She will wallow in the male attention and the men will actively compete amongst themselves to see who can get her into their tent.
What is friendship?
Male friendship is based on collective experience. Battles fought together, obstacles overcome, physical achievements, shared hobbies, all of these things contribute to male friendship. When men are together they test and measure their respective levels of masculinity against one another. By seeing how they measure up they can then understand where they need to improve. A man cannot be masculine in isolation; it is only in the group that he truly comprehends his place in the male hierarchy. Men compete amongst themselves in order to improve the group as a whole. This makes sense when you consider that up until only very recently the job of the men was to hunt, to fight, and to defend.
Women’s traditional role was to have babies and be mothers. The only competing that they did was to see who could get the better man. As opposed to men who compete to lift each other as a group unit, women compete at each others expense. While men also compete for women this is not done at the expense of men’s primary role. As such women can never be friends to the level that men are. As always, the exceptions merely prove the rule. (The exceptions in this case are women who are referred to in the manosphere as “unicorns”.)
The friend zone.
No discussion of this topic would be complete without an examination of a man who is in a woman’s “friend zone”. This is a man who has attempted to woo a woman by deceit. Instead of openly acknowledging his attraction for her he has attempted to hide his intentions under the guise of friendship in the hope that she will fall for him and initiate intimate proceedings herself.
It is an inherently dishonest and cowardly approach for a man to do this. Most often it is associated with young men who are extremely outcome dependent and thus cannot handle the crushing burden of outright rejection. These types of men are not only deceiving the woman; they are also actively deceiving themselves.
The reason that they are placed in the friend zone is a combination of their own deceptive tactics and the woman’s subconscious understanding that he is unworthy of her sexual favors. This leads to a curious relationship where the thought of sex with this man does not even enter the woman’s head, while the idea of sex with her totally consumes the man at every waking opportunity.
A woman can spend a great deal of personal time with such a man. But it will always be tempered by the fact that when she begins a new intimate relationship with another man then her “best friend” will be unceremoniously discarded. She will however, keep him at a certain distance, ready to be her “shoulder to cry on” when her new beau rejects or hurts her in some way.
If you’re reading this and you yourself are in the friend zone with a woman, (which means that you have dishonestly attempted to woo her), then your only recourse is to break off all contact while resolving never to get yourself in the same position again.
Can you be friends with your wife?
This is the one exception to the rule that men and women cannot be friends. However, while it is possible for friendship in this case, it is in actual fact quite rare. That is because most people enter into a relationship for the wrong reasons. In a mature relationship between two mature adults, men and women can become very good friends in this case. Both of them however, will be cognizant of each others need to find some areas of fulfillment in other areas.
In other words, while a man will get many aspects of friendship from a good wife, he will still require male companionship to fulfill all of his friendship requirements. His wife will be understanding of this and will encourage him to do so. For more discussion of this topic, listen to my podcast episode, How to marry an adult.