Sexologist and relationships expert Amanda Lambros is going to tell you that it’s all your fault.
Men and women. Women and men. Relationships. Space aliens. The usual stuff. You’d think with all of the angst and trauma that someone somewhere would know what they are doing and let you in on the secret. Perhaps they should teach this stuff in school. Yeah, right! They can’t even teach calculus properly – what makes you think that they’ll get really hard stuff like relationships right?
Actually, relationships aren’t hard at all. Let me put it to you plainly so that you understand. If you break down all the flowery language and eliminate 99% of what relationship “experts” say then you’ll get down to this one little nugget of wisdom:
It’s all men’s fault.
See, that wasn’t hard, was it? Just apply that to every aspect of your relationship and you can’t go wrong, at least according to them. Let me give you an example. If a man walks out of a marriage he will be labeled an “evil wicked misogynist” or something along those lines. He can expect, at the very least, that his ex will have a period of lucid calm and tranquility while she attempts to “understand what he is going through”. This period will last between 5 seconds and maybe a week. After this, once she realizes that he’s serious, she will immediately proceed to the next and final step which is to go batshit crazy and make his life a living hell in any way possible. No matter what her behavior she will be fully supported by society in general because he is a bastard for leaving her.
Good so far? Okay. Now if we reverse this and the woman leaves the man, what happens then? Come on, you slow learners! I already told you. It’s up there in bold script to help you for heaven’s sake.
Very good. You can go to the top of the class. It’s all men’s fault.
‘Strong and silent’ has long been both role and refuge for men, but debates raging online show a growing conviction that it spells doom for even the most robust marriage. Thousands of Australians have now responded to a Perth lifestyle blogger’s post about male friends being left bewildered and heartbroken after their wives walked out – seemingly without notice. “I recently just split up with my partner and I’d say it went exactly like this,” wrote one woman. “My marriage has just ended and can 100 per cent relate to this,” said another.
Well of course they can relate to this – it’s awesome! You get to walk out on your marriage, with no warning at all, and it’s all the man’s fault once again. And what are men supposed to do to stop this from happening? Why, they need to communicate more.
One online commenter, Adam Ross, told WAtoday the discovery his marriage was rocky came from ‘left field’. He and his wife of seven years had never argued and he thought everything was fine. But one night earlier this year, they returned from a friend’s engagement party and things ‘hit the fan’. “My wife said to me, I can’t relate to you, I don’t love you any more, I don’t want to be with you,” he said. “She moved her stuff into the spare room.
“It was harrowing.”
Storming Omaha Beach would be harrowing. Being on Apollo 13 would be harrowing. Your wife moving her stuff into the spare room? Please.
Now I’ll put it to you, my faithful readership, what would be a good response on his part here? What sort of alpha move in this situation is going to get her tingles working? Remember, women want a man who is desirable to other women and who can do without her if he must. Some would say to give her a soft next of about a week. No communication at all. Just go stay with a buddy and don’t answer the phone. Most probably I’d just be done with the whole thing and walk. What did this guy do?
The couple conducted their next conversations in writing. He wrote her a long letter and left it on her pillow.
Dear oh dear. The poor guy has swallowed the kool-aid. He is deep in the mire of believing that idiots like Amanda Lambros know what they are talking about.
She recommended people focus more on flexibility and compassion than what their “role” was, be willing both to ask for help and to give it, and to make time for relationship maintenance as they would a car service or haircut.
She said people often reminisced about the early days in their relationship, and she would tell them to recreate those dates – without the kids.
“They say babysitters are expensive. I tell them divorce is even more expensive.”
She recommended the ‘traffic light’ conversation – to talk about what’s going well and should continue (green), what needs watching (yellow) and what is not going well and needs to stop (red).
“Once a week,” she said, strictly.
Perhaps she would be happy if the couple in question walk around the house with colored cards in their pockets?
The funny thing is that these situations are in fact the man’s fault, but not for the reasons that relationship experts will give you. Either the man chose to marry an unstable or inappropriate woman or he didn’t manage the dynamic properly in the relationship. Which is why it is probably best to walk in these circumstances as the situation is most often unresolvable. Better to learn from your mistakes and move on.
This article I’ve quoted began in response to this social media post from a woman who describes herself as, “I’m a mum and wife. It sux.”
One day in my psychologists she mentioned to me that she sees a lot of men in her office.
I asked why,
She responded that a lot of women are leaving men and they aren’t coping.
Interesting, so I asked why are women leaving men?
She responded because heaps of men aren’t present in the relationship and a lot of women are feeling lonely in their own homes.
That’s resonated with me, at the time I was feeling very lonely in my own home.
See what I mean? Instead of replying, because these women are shallow selfish hags who never had any intention of seeing out the distance in their relationship, we get the old, it’s men’s fault line. I also love the start of that piece – ‘One day in my psychologists’. Guys, as soon as you discover clear information that she’s mentally unbalanced, it’s time to walk away. Things aren’t going to get any better. And you may as well walk away because no matter what you do it’s going to be your fault. So better to walk away at that point.
Or don’t get into the mess in the first place. Remember my golden rule:
Relationships are not hard work. Bad relationships are hard work.