You don’t know how to drive, you’re a moron, and I hate you.

I’m a bad passenger in a car for the simple reason that most people are bad drivers. Yes, that means you. Everybody thinks three things about themselves – they have a sense of humor, they have a winning personality, and they’re a good driver.

No, no, and most certainly no. This is because most people lack self awareness. The technical term for this is illusory superiority but I prefer my own definition of dumb fuck. I of course am hugely wonderful in these three things. I once made a cat laugh for instance. True story. So my sense of humor is up there with people like Morgan Freeman. As for winning personality, while I admit on occasion just before we are to go out to some public event my wife will gently remind me that maybe, just maybe it would be better if I didn’t rip the head off the first person who mentions how green conscious they are, this is in no way a poor reflection on my ability to “get on with others”.

(Get on with others was a subject when I went to school. We never studied it per se, but it was always in our report cards with a corresponding mark. I soon came to interpret it as an ability to shut the hell up when people are speaking obvious rubbish).

And as for driving, well, that’s a given. I have self awareness. That is the most important trait for a driver. Or a pedestrian for that matter. Or someone skiing. Have you ever been skiing down a slope and you spot someone who is stopped on the side of the run with their back to you, and a little voice in your head warns you to give them a wide berth because you just know what is about to happen next, and sure enough the fucker sets off right as you pass him which is unfortunate as his method of departing is to ski out into the center of the piste without looking.

This is because this moron lacks self awareness. He has not even considered for a moment that other people might be using the ski piste. He paid his money to be here today so it is his piste. He owns it, literally, and he will get his money’s worth goddammit.

People ski like they drive.

So I am not a good passenger. I routinely pump what is known as the imaginary brake pedal which is usually to no avail. When I am really worried I’ll give it a couple of really good thumps in the hope that the imbecile sitting next to me might get the message.

Before I get into any taxi I tell the driver what I expect of him. I want a safe braking distance between us and the other cars, that’s it. In Africa I used to tell them that I did not want the fear. They understood what I meant, every single time.

I have read that future driverless cars will be able to keep no more than a few inches apart at full speed due to the tracking technology. Fuck that shit, man. The only way I’ll travel like that is if I have a real fake brake pedal that I can pump like a deranged lunatic throughout the journey. Most other people won’t have a problem with being inches from death for the simple fact that they are morons who lack all self awareness. Plus they’re on their mobile phones all the time.

I first learned self awareness when I was a mad keen cyclist as a young man. To survive back in those days you really had to anticipate what the vehicles on the road were going to do. You had to get in the drivers’ heads. By getting in other people’s heads you are then able to get inside your own. Surprising but true. This ability served me well when I graduated to motorbikes. It was especially valuable to my customers when I was a rafting guide.

I used it to good effect when I used to teach offshore oil workers how not to blow up themselves, their co-workers, and their entire facility. I was supposed to teach them a whole bunch of technical shit but really I just did my best to teach them self awareness. What I would do was to tell them what I expected of them in a safety sense. Then we would go out onto the platform and I would get them focused on a task. This would cause them to lose their situational awareness. They would be really intent on the task at hand. Meanwhile I’d get someone else to saunter out onto the platform and begin to work in an obviously dangerous way, right in the middle of a group of twenty trainees. I’d have this guy hanging off a ladder while bashing a supposedly live pipe with a hammer.

Not a word. People would look up in an irritated manner. Can’t you see we’re working on this stupid task this fuckwit instructor has got us to do? Could you just stop all that banging? Hey, he isn’t wearing a helmet. Should I say something? Is anyone else saying anything? Nope. Okay, I don’t want to say anything if nobody else isn’t saying something. Don’t want to look stupid now.

I’d get the offshore installation manager to watch this from an elevated location. He was always certain that his guys would immediately pick up on what I was going to do. They used to tell me it was a waste of time. I loved it when they said that shit. I used to let them go on and on about how awesome their workers were. The longer they talked shit the better. Then he’d watch as I got a guy to wander out and start fucking with the fixed gas detection systems without a permit to do so.

Not a word. Crickets. The look on the OIM’s faces was priceless. They had been so sure that all was good and that their workforce and thus they themselves were awesome sauce.

No fucking self awareness.

10 thoughts on “You don’t know how to drive, you’re a moron, and I hate you.

  1. Yeah, I hate people who think they are good drivers. Plus, most of them can’t read common road signs such as…right or left lane closed in 2 miles. “Hey numbnuts, start merging now; don’t wait until the last second so you can see how many cars you can pass and fuck everyone else up.” If these idiots would start merging when they see the sign, traffic will flow smoothly instead of snarling up.

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  2. Two stories on the driving thing:

    Preface…I’m a great driver for one reason; constant Situational Awareness (SA) which my Dad drilled into my skull.  I’ve always had it ever since I started driving at age 15-1/2. (BTW, born in ’51). It used to be, here in California, the norm to go to the DMV with one parent to get your “Learners Permit” and then one parent, almost always your Dad, would teach you the ropes. Then, at 16 back to the DMV to get your full-fledged license.

    First story: I used to live in Garden Grove, CA and the city is choked with Asian drivers, especially women (and no, not “Asian” like the Brits call muzloids but real Asians like in Korean and Chinese). They are a constant threat to humanity due to their utter and complete lack of SA. I used to put this down to their “inward looking” religions but now just put it down to the narcissism and selfishness inherent to their culture. 

    Second story: Used to have a girlfriend who would always brake far too late for signals, stop-signs and brake lights up ahead. No SA whatsoever. Would drive me nuts. So, after a few months of that bullshit I refused to get in the car with her unless I drove. Much wailing and gnashing of teeth but I stood my ground and she got used to it.

    After I gave her the boot I realized it was also due to her narcissism and selfish nature.

    Just my two cents. (BTW, love your blog.)

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    1. I was playing golf once years ago and we were approaching a green when we heard a screeching of tyres and the unmistakable sound of crunching metal. An old guy was teeing off and we arrived as he was putting his club back in his bag.
      “What happened?” we said.
      He shook his head sadly. “Motorcyclist got hit.”
      “Is he okay?”
      “Seems so but the poor bugger never had a chance. Asian woman, wearing a hat, and driving a Volvo.”

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  3. American statistic. 83% of drivers believe themselves to be above average drivers. Probably the same everywhere . Of course only 50% can be above average. Crunch those numbers. You can create some great derivative statistics,but you know what? It’s probably the 17% who believe they’re below average who are the best.

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    1. Neville

      Well, technically, it’s more likely to be ANY proportion other than 50%, if considering an average. Now, if it was a median you’re talking about, well, sure, half above and half below, etc …

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