In marriage we trust.

Tim Newman alerted me the other day to one of his old posts which is titled Why some countries are poor. His idea is that it is a lack of trust which separates poor countries from rich ones. He cites examples from Russia and Nigeria that demonstrate how a lack of trust hamstrings business development. I agree with his assessment and I think that this lack of trust contributed to my own feelings of alienation and loneliness when I lived in low trust countries such as Uganda.

Dalrock has a post up today about the effort to classify divorce as not being a failure. There has been an effort by progressives for some time to reframe the idea of marriage as being non-permanent. In other words, it is permanent unless something goes wrong, when it ceases to be permanent. If a man walks out on his family then he is “bad person” but if a woman walks out on her family then she is “empowering herself” while she goes off on her eat pray love journey of self discovery.

As much as I think that men’s rights activists are losers, it doesn’t make their core arguments invalid. The fact is that marriage is now entirely weighted towards the female advantage. Women initiate over 70% of divorces, they claim the lion’s share of the assets, they almost always get the kids, on and on it goes. It is against the law in some parts of the USA for a man to even request a DNA test of his children. If he does then he has committed a felony.

But what I realized a few days after reading Tim’s post was that the progressive march through the institution of the family has ultimately resulted in a breakdown of trust between the two parties to a marriage contract. A hundred years ago a marriage contract really meant something. It was for life. You had to make a go of it whether it was good times or bad, sickness or in health, that sort of thing.

Then about forty years ago we got fault free divorce, that they told us didn’t affect children at all, and it has been a downhill slope since then. The attitude of young men today towards marriage is one of disinterest caused by distrust. For men, the downsides far outnumber the upsides when considering marriage. Women in general are no longer good prospects for a long term business contract. They have been encouraged to put themselves first at every opportunity and to believe that they can “have it all”. It is to their material advantage to initiate divorce. Their only real downside is that they may have some trouble finding another husband, particularly as they get older. But this drawback hardly ever enters into their pampered little heads. After all, “the universe will provide”. That catch-all mantra sums up each and every selfish, irrational, and untrustworthy action initiated by women in the divorce courts. The reality is that it is their ex-husbands who will provide for the rest of their lives.

Which means that we live in a somewhat discombobulated reality, at least in high trust countries. While we still have high trust as regards to business and professional life, in our personal lives that level of trust has evaporated. It is truly a war between the sexes.

To that end perhaps men today need to adjust their selection criteria somewhat for a future wife. Top of the list will be how seriously she takes verbal and written agreements. If she is frivolous and untrustworthy with small matters then one can be reasonably sure that she will behave in a similar matter with regards to agreements of a more important and permanent nature.

The worth of a contract can be measured by how seriously its signatories take it and by the penalties in place for breaking it. Society and the mainstream media, egged on by progressives, have succeeded in making one partner to the contract free of almost any negative outcomes for betraying the marriage contract’s inherent trust while simultaneously encouraging the same partner to only take the contract seriously “as long as it’s worth her while”.

We would never accept this level of mistrust in our professional lives. Why we do so with our personal lives is a great tragedy.

10 thoughts on “In marriage we trust.

  1. Celeste

    Modern Men don’t want traditional women either, which is part of the problem. I’m a teacher and I enjoy cooking, sewing, reading, volunteering (which are boring hobbies, apparently). I don’t like clubbing, drinking or partying. I would love nothing more than to be a wife and mother. But I have been “friend zoned” or told by ex-boyfriends that I am too nice and sweet for them. I get dumped or overlooked for conceited, superficial women with entitled attitudes. I am a female version of a beta male, I guess.

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    1. Celeste,

      That might be consistent with what Adam says, though: men don’t want a serious partner any more. I know a pretty decent girl in London who says she can meet plenty of men, but none wants a relationship, they’re just looking for hookups.

      I don’t like clubbing, drinking or partying. I would love nothing more than to be a wife and mother.

      This is in no way related to you personally, so please don’t think I am passing judgement on your particular situation. But I know plenty of women in their 30s who would love nothing more than to be a wife and mother, but they decided on this only after spending their 20s clubbing, drinking, and partying. Unfortunately, guys tend to overlook women drinking, clubbing, etc. and sleeping around a bit if they do it before they are 25, but after that guys are looking for women who are taking themselves seriously – and even then their willingness to overlook things are limited. Most guys I know married girls between 27-32, and in each case had been with them seriously for at least 2 years. In other words, their wives were 25-30 and behaving as if they wanted to settle down and have kids, and not going on holiday to Turkey and having “a fling” with a waiter and giggling about it to their friends when they came home. If there is one thing I could impress on young women, it is not to necessarily settle down and get married early, but it is to understand that you need to *look* as though you are ready to do so early (even if you don’t) and also to understand that after 30 the number of decent available men drops off a cliff.

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      1. Celeste

        I’ve been wanting (and dreaming) of being a wife and mother since I was a little girl. I would have preferred to have found a young man who wanted to marry me at 18 and perhaps by now I would have had 3 or 4 kids tugging at my skirt. I could never find a boy my age that was interested in marriage. They all wanted to sow their oats, as most young people do, and I never did.
        I wish that my parents had raised me in a Christian environment with families that normalized courtship rather than dating.
        I never rode the “cock carousel”, though I wasn’t brought up in a “19 Kids and Counting” family. I instinctively knew, as I believe all women do, (but the truth of it is muted by liberal/feminist brainwashing) that promiscuous behavior goes against our basic nature. This is why most women lie about the number of partners they have had; they are ashamed because they know it is degenerate.
        I have been trying to figure out where I went wrong. I guess that’s why I have been looking through men’s blogs to find an answer.
        I am the “nice, sweet, and the wife type” (to quote a man I liked but friend-zoned me) but I can never seal the deal. Do I need to be a b*tch? Am I having the same problem that men say they have when they are too nice to women?

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      2. Dear Celeste,

        You look like some one I should have met 10 years ago. More and more I find that it is better to DO have a ‘traditional’ age cap between men and women.
        Perhaps you should look starting in 5+ year older men age group in stead of in the same-age group.
        I settled for a 10 year younger girlfriend that also wasn’t into clubbing and partying. A way better match than all those so called beautifull women who were always a mental mess.
        If you want to be a traditional girl, looking up in age can be an advantage.

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      3. I have hesitated to comment on this as I give advice to men, not women. But I totally agree with Trenjeska’s point here. When you were 18 and looking for something serious you should have definitely been searching for a man at least 10 years your senior. The young guys your age would have only been interested in partying. My wife is almost ten years younger than me. That age gap is fundamental.

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    1. Celeste

      I have been told more times than I can count that I am too nice, too sweet, too kind. I am height and weight proportionate, and cute but not beautiful.

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  2. Trust is gone and adverse outcomes from divorce risk are largely laid on men, arguing that more assiduous vetting of a woman will solve the skewed incentives to divorce which generously reward women for indulging in their worst instincts is insane. It’s as futile as a condemned man arguing over the quality of the cloth for his execution blindfold.

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  3. @celeste
    First off, the others are absolutely right. Age makes a difference, you need to be around serious men, not the boys. A serious man that might be looking doesn’t do women friends, he doesn’t hang out with them, he doesn’t do drama with them, none of that. They are either a potential mate and wife or not. Period. Dating is just a means to determine if she is right for the role.

    So where are they? They tend to be physical and more action oriented. Which from what you have described might be a little out of your comfort zone. So, pick up on a more physical activity that puts you in proximity to men. If you do this you will lack neither attention, dates, nor interest. Some good choices might include, in the US sign up at a firing range for lessons in firearms. Go take lessons in the equestrian arts, a woman with a good seat is always attractive to a man in the know. SCUBA diving, a woman with a decent figure in a wetsuit titillates without being blatant. Hit the slopes, snow skiing is always a good one. Take some classes in self-defense, which BTW I would recommend for any woman. These are all things men also enjoy.

    More importantly, all of those things require that you face your fears and persevere. This indicates to a man that when the chips are down you will be standing right next to him. Good luck to you.

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