I have spoken at length before on the subject of why the modern man should never apologise. But now I need to add an addendum to that and stipulate that the modern man should never offer his resignation either. Two cases this week demonstrate this in action. The first I am sure that you’re all aware of – Milo offering his resignation to Brietbart and it being accepted.
I bet you a bag of steaming dicks that Milo never expected his offer to be accepted. I am sure that Milo considered his offer to be in good faith and thus going towards proving his innocence on the charges that had been leveled against him by the baying mob. It is extremely rare for a guilty man to offer his resignation because he knows that it will be accepted. But men who are not guilty and rather innocent in the ways of the world fall into the mistake of thinking that their noble gesture will be reciprocated when in fact it just offers a bunch of weaklings an easy way out of a tricky situation.
I know because it happened to me in my blind and stupid innocence of youth.
The second example is this rather unfortunate and porky English footballer who made the same mistake of offering his resignation this week as a result of eating a meat pie. Yes, you heard that correctly – a meat pie. Bookmakers had offered odds of 8/1 against that he would eat a pie during his side’s match with Arsenal in the FA Cup. As far as I’m concerned if bookmakers go around offering odds on stupid events such as this that have nothing to do with the action on the field then it’s all on them.
But no. The poor guy ate the pie, thinking it was a laugh, and the resulting uproar caused him to attempt to demonstrate his good intentions and nobility of action by offering his resignation and, you guessed it, the club accepted it, the weak and cowardly bastards.
So let me make it clear for all of you honest folk out there who have not yet made this mistake but might be tempted into doing it in the future:
Never offer your resignation, particularly when you’ve done nothing wrong or the issue is cloudy either way. Make the bastards do their own dirty work and then sue them out of existence. Never under any circumstances do their dirty work for them. You’ll be in for a nasty shock as they’ll leap over each other to accept your offer faster than shoppers racing for the discount fridge on a Black Friday sale event.