Whatever you do, don’t be desperate.

Red pill aware men and even a few blue pill ones know well the perils of desperation. Women can detect a desperate man at the blink of an eye through a crowded room. Being desperate communicates not only that you have no options, but that you are so worn down by your lack of success that you will literally take anyone. This communicates two things; a lack of skill and confidence in your own abilities, and a clear signal to the women in question that she is not special. If you’re desperate then you’re willing to take anyone, which means that she essentially means nothing to you in a normal context. You only want her because you want someone, anyone, to fill a void.

But this communication through desperation is not limited to the personal. It is also relevant in your professional life as well.

A few years ago the good wife and I moved to Melbourne for a variety of reasons. As a result of the move I had to resign my position in Perth as an assessor in the offshore oil and gas industry, but my wife was able to transfer across the country to another office within her company. So we had at least one income here. As soon as we arrived I set to work to get another position. The problem was that I had no professional network in Melbourne, and Australian professional life is all about networking. It is who you know, not what you know, which incidentally was not the case here twenty years ago. But times change.

I struggled to find work. This was not an immediate issue as my wife was on an excellent salary, but a man has to provide and I put a good deal of pressure on myself. Eventually I began to get interviews but they did not go well at all, which was strange as I’ve always been an interview killer. I had an interview at a smallish outfit where I knew not only that I would be a great fit but I’d really be able to help them improve their services. The interview went well, or so I thought, but they rang me a few days later with the news that I had missed out. I was disappointed with this turn of events, too disappointed as it turned out.

My problem was that I was desperate, and I gave off the same smell of desperation that men give to women when they’re all out of options. I knew it at the time but I was unable to lift myself out of this negative vibe. I eventually got a good position but it was much more of a struggle than it should have been.

This was all some time in the past but it was brought back to me this week when I found myself on the receiving end of professional desperation. The shoe was on the other foot, so to speak. I got a bunch of quotes from different removal companies for our coming move. It is a big job and apparently the market is a little quite at the moment, so all of the consultants were very keen to secure the job.

I narrowed it down to two different companies and I made each of the consultants fine tune their quotes for me. The two quotes were fairly close in price and they were both from very reputable removalists. The process of getting a quote and making a decision took about two weeks. One of the two consultants was very insistent that I use him. We had got on very well when he came around to inspect our goods which was one of the reasons that I had included him in the final two. But he became increasingly heavy in his approach. Every phone call would end with him hounding me to give him the job. I would try to jokingly brush aside these overtures but he kept on and on.

I began to smell the scent of desperation, and I did not like it. Why was he this desperate? This is a big move and I need someone who is going to be onto it, someone who is really good at his job. That tinge of desperation communicated to me that he needed this quote more than he should. It told me that he was close to being out of options which is not an ideal situation for a client in these circumstances.

By contrast the other consultant was calm, polite, and never hassled me about my choice. He was confident, and this created an enormous gap between him and his competitor. In the end the choice was easy, and this was entirely due to their two respective approaches. Desperation was the kiss of death in this instance.

And it clarified for me how my own behavior had worked against me when we first arrived in Melbourne just over three years ago. Looking back there was no way that I would have hired someone like me in those circumstances either. Desperation is the kiss of death. The old saying goes that you have to fake it until you make it. Be confident always, no matter how badly you need something. The more badly you need it the more you have to act like you are independent of the outcome. Whether it’s girls or business, it’s all the same in the end. And the skills are transferable between the two.

4 thoughts on “Whatever you do, don’t be desperate.

  1. Yes, a good honest post Adam, Quite often we are not aware when our confidence is low.. Lowering the need, to a level of want, can take it or lave it is a good technique. My father used to say to me “how much will it all matter in a year from now>? “. By that means he could get me to ‘take it easy’ as you Australians say.
    If we look across to the Emperor himself, he was supremely confident last year and now , while the criminal Clinton foundation pulled every dirty desperate trick in the world.
    Napoleon Bonaparte had near pathological confidence, possibly partly due to high steroid production, same as John Kennedy, [steroids by injection] .
    But there is no doubt that image rehearsal of yourself as a competent and confident person is helpfull.

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    1. Desperate consultant. That’s the key. Why is he desperate when he works for a huge company that gets a tonne of work? Because he probably sucks at his job which means I don’t want him looking after my major move.

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