So you wanna save the planet, huh? Your teachers at school kept drilling into your play-dough brain the idea that you have the capacity to save the world even though you can barely summon the mental energy to tie your own shoelaces in the morning. It’s a handy excuse to achieve nothing in your life I reckon. Throw all of your worthless inactivity under the collective banner of “saving the planet”.
Haven’t got a job? It’s okay I’m SAVING THE PLANET. Halfway to retirement and not a penny saved in the bank, (in fact, you’re still overloaded with your student loans for your puppetry degree)? It’s okay I’m SAVING THE PLANET. Had a bunch of kids out of wedlock with four different fathers? It’s okay I’m SAVING THE PLANET. Your hair is dyed blue? It’s okay I’m SAVING THE PLANET. You walk around wearing a pink vagina hat and you’re a dude? It’s okay I’m SAVING THE PLANET. You’re a scientific fraud and a parasite on the public purse? It’s okay I’m SAVING THE PLANET. You think somehow that gay marriage and science are intertwined? It’s okay I’m SAVING THE PLANET. You gave your kids names like “Soda Pop” and “Petal Blossom Rainbow”? It’s okay …
Oh, you know the drill.
Earth day. Fucking earth day. Is there one day throughout the year that better summarizes the utter vacuity of the progs on the left? Maybe that day where they turn out the lights. Or is that earth day? It’s so hard to keep track of all of this.
Well, fuck earth day. And fuck all of you. The planet is doing fine, you conceited fuckwits. Take your virtue signaling bullshit and ram it up where the sun don’t shine. I know the reason you all march together with your cardboard signs. Deep down you suspect that you’re full of shit and that you’re an absolute loony. So what better way to alleviate your mental suffering while providing yourself with a temporary self-satisfied high than by surrounding yourself with people who are as stupid as you claim to be.
That’s why you all go marching together. And it’s all you can do. Go marching. How about that for an epitaph for your cardboard headstone – “She went on a lot of marches”. Imagine you with your tattooed grandkiddies sitting on your lap.
“What did you do with your life, grandad?”
“Well, Daisy Boo Pamela, I was on that march for Earth Day way back when. I was actually there.”
“Ooohhhhh. And did you make a sign?”
“I sure did. I made it outta environmentally friendly cardboard and I wrote on it with seven different coloured crayons with each colour representing the inequality that our gay brothers and sisters suffered for so long.”
“And what did your sign say, grandad?”
“Why, it said, ‘STOP FANNYING ABOUT – SUPPORT WOMEN IN STEM’.”
Just stop it already. You people are diseased with some parasite that has destroyed your minds. That’s why zombie movies are so popular with you lot – it’s because you can relate. Well some of us haven’t got shit for brains and we’re sick of earth day, and mother nature day, and any other activist causes that you have.
I want to kill more dolphin with my tuna. I want to sit down and eat some tasty whale for dinner with my table lit by a whale oil lamp. I want to proudly purchase my groceries and carry them home with as many plastic bags as possible; one plastic bag per item. Then I want to throw out those bags with the rest of the trash, inside another plastic bag that I purchased especially for that reason. I want to buy an old V8 and drive it using leaded fuel. I want to get an old house with a fireplace in each room and keep them all burning over winter while using endangered Californian redwood as fuel. I want to invest my super in companies that make guns and landmines, mine for uranium and coal, and cut down native virgin growth trees for toilet paper. I want to use that toilet paper. Even when I pee and I pee standing up. I’m gonna boycott any company that has even a hint of “ethical production values”. That goes also for companies who use the words “sustainable”, “organic”, “Eco-friendly”, “environmentally friendly”, “social awareness”, and any other brainless and empty platitudes that they haven’t thought of yet.
Happy earth day, motherfuckers. Now go out and get a haircut and get a job. Save the world my arse.