How to survive and move on from a feminist single mother.

The last time I spoke to my mother was almost nine years ago. I rang to let her know that I was getting married. As we were living on opposite ends of the planet I did not consider this to be an unreasonable way of informing her of the upcoming change to my life. Less than two minutes into what I considered to be a calm and normal conversation, she quietly hung up the phone on me. I stood there looking at the phone in my hand in a dumbfounded way for some moments. My future wife was standing there and asked me what was wrong.

I turned to her and said, “She just cut me loose. She did me the biggest favor possible. Unintentionally of course.”

I have had no contact with her since that moment, and I have no future intention of changing this situation.

My mother was a good mom. Me and my brother enjoyed the best birthday parties of anyone I knew. She spoilt us, but all moms do that. But when I was around 9 she went to university, the University of Western Australia, to study English literature. It was the late 70s and she fell under the spell of a social Marxist professor. She began to rant about the evils of the patriarchy. About how all men were evil and bad and women were the oppressed. Three years later my parents split up, my father going to live in a series of nondescript share houses. My brother and I used to visit him. It was weird and sad. When I was 13 they finalized the divorce. Nobody ever spoke to us kids about it because back then the prevailing sentiment was that divorce did not affect children.

Divorce affects children.

Our mother then turned the feminist cult poison up to nuclear. She didn’t call our father by name, rather she referred to him using several different monnikers. ‘Fuck-face’ was a popular one, but she also enjoyed describing to us how he was literally the devil incarnate. I don’t suppose it ever occurred to her than a child identifies with both his parents. I wondered if that meant that I was the devil too.

My mother began a pattern of expelling and eliminating people from her life. In this she had form with her own family. Friends, co-workers, neighbors, it didn’t matter who it was. Eventually they would all do something to “betray her” and then they were cast out of her life, never to be spoken of again except to belittle and humiliate them.

Looking back I am convinced that she had equal parts bipolar disorder and chronic narcissism. The nadair for me occurred when I was 11, when my parents were still together. I was being badly bullied at school and my parents had not provided me with the skills to deal with the situation. Somehow my mother found out and all hell broke loose. She marched into the school the next day, a private Catholic boys school, and she set it on fire in a figuritative sense. The school went into blind panic mode while I watched on helplessly as my world crumbled around me. Back at home she was triumphant at how brilliant she had been, at how she had “given them what for”. She would extol her brilliance in this matter for years to come.

The next day I went back to school, and at lunch time I ate my lunch alone. I would eat my lunch alone for the next two years until I enrolled myself in a different school without my parents’ knowledge.

But this episode was good for me. It was the beginning of me being able to see through my mother’s lies and emotional blackmail. Every time that I heard her boast of her school-defeating prowess, I knew that she was wrong. When I tried to argue with her about it she used the technique of kafkatrapping to defeat me. She would boast of her superior intelligence and how I was no match for her. That she would always defeat me. This was to an eleven year old boy remember.

This was the first split in the reality of my mother’s cult of personality. If she was able to be this wrong about something that I had direct knowledge about, what else could she be wrong about? My younger brother did not have the personal luxury of my own bad school experience, and being younger he was more susceptible. He took it upon himself to protect her from our father, even though our father never actually did anything against her. But our mother was convinced that he was literally Hitler and she convinced my brother too.

As a result of this my teenage years were extremely difficult. I went from a straight A student to way below average. In my final school year I did no work at all. I routinely didn’t hand in assignments, I just couldn’t be bothered. But more importantly, I didn’t see the point. What good was there in holding up my end of the bargain when my family hadn’t held up theirs? Even with doing no work I still managed to pass the final exams, much to my teachers’ fury and dismay.

I was a disaster with girls as well, which is not unreasonable considering the circumstances. I could get girls, but I just couldn’t take it to the next stage and make it stick. I tried to treat them with respect and to leave it up to them. Unwittingly, I had taken on my mother’s propaganda and internalized it. There was no internet back then where I could jump online and read about other guys’ experiences. I was alone in my misery, alone in my own head.

I never write about my personal life on this blog but today I made an exception. The reason is this post over at The Other McCain about a mother who sounds just like mine. Her two sons are living the hell of what I went through but they have the additional pleasure of it being broadcast over the internet.

You think because it is your own mother that you have to ultimately give her the benefit of the doubt. But some people are beyond that and it doesn’t do you any good at all. Here is how to survive a feminist mother.

  1. Get out of home and as far away from her as possible. My first book, Pushing Rubber Downhill opens with me riding my motorbike from Perth to Sydney. There was a reason for that. Yeah, I was chasing a girl, but I was also putting distance between me and my mother, an entire continent of distance. You need to get away from the poison.
  2. You are going to be fucked up, unhappy, and insecure. You probably won’t like yourself. That’s okay. Admit where you are; accept your reality. Now you need to do something about it. What do you do?
  3. Make a man of yourself. Hit the gym and get strong. Forge a career. Do not, whatever you do, go and get a girlfriend. The reason is because you will be looking for external solutions to your internal problem and a girlfriend is a screamingly bad example of this and an all too common one. You will reason that if a nice girl accepts you as you are then that will mean that you’re okay, and if you’re okay then you don’t need to make any changes after all. This is a giant trap. Sleep with girls, yes, but do not go out with one, and under no circumstances should you ever consider living with one. This will be the worst mistake you can possibly make. Before the age of 30, no live-in girlfriend.
  4. Work at a job that has a lot of men, the more the better. You need to be around men. You need to learn how to interact properly in a masculine environment because your fucked-up feminist mother will have warped that for you. I landed into whitewater rafting and a better situation than that would be hard to find. That is what my first book is about, becoming a man when you had little hope of being one. Read my book, it will show you that it can be done. It can be done.
  5. To start off with you’re going to have more bad days than good ones. Try and be calm and methodical. Tread quietly and carefully. You will make mistakes, probably big ones. Learn from those mistakes and don’t make them again. Admit your failures. Be humble. You went to become a stand-up guy, a man that other men want to have around because you’re a good guy to have in a tight spot. Become that man. Hiding your insecurties is weak. Admit when it’s beyond you but always try. It’s better to try and fail. I’d rather fail than suck.
  6. I left Perth when I was 23. In all honesty it took me about 15 years to get to a point where I had it together. It took me about 7 years to go from hating myself to not wanting to be anyone else in the world. In other words, this is a long term strategy. But the rewards are so worth it. I can probably say with complete hoesty that if I hadn’t done this then I would probably be dead now. Getting on that bike and riding across Australia was survival. This is serious stuff and it’s not to be taken lightly.

Ultimately due to my serious issues and disadvantages I ended up doing much more than my peers. So look at this as an opportunity to not be a sheep. If you have to claw your way out of a lot of shit then you’re not going to be satisfied with what keeps most people content. The best part is the fact that I don’t take what I have for granted. Fighting for it does that to you.

So life has dealt you a shitty hand, you got a feminist for a mother, and a single mom at that. What are you going to do about it? Are you a fighter? Then get out there and fight.

Don’t let her win.

21 thoughts on “How to survive and move on from a feminist single mother.

  1. Readers may be like me and see this as one of Adam’s best ever posts. Adam gives plenty of himself and this post, just looking over his shoulder for a little. and now this entirely new life,
    Normally I like to say to people > Attempt to retain or regain a good relationship with your parents and family.>
    But there are some Mothers, aren’t there , and this one was obviously mentally unfit for the task of a realistic love for her son, and unable even to be happy for him at his marriage.
    My own father was ferocious beyond words, I took some beatings, and some very long lectures. He did not prepare me by outlining my strengths, but generally what was wrong. But he was my father, and we know now that families often have some elements of psychopathology written in .
    The prescriptive formulas Adam uses to gain manhood, are ok, because without a guide book to life we just flounder along for so long. I did that, floundering, but I managed to give my daughter good ways of looking at things.
    From the time she was tiny, we had a little mantra which we would say on her way to school.
    It started “ I always believe in myself, and I look up to myself ..”
    Anyway well done Adam, you had to leave your Mother, and you had to leave Australia, because Australia has departed from what it stood for when you were born. . Most men can not do that stuff.

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  3. areukittenme

    As a woman I am trying to understand all this. I know I have been irrational during my life (less so now, I hope, that I am somewhat red pilled), but on a scale of 1 to 10, I have been a 2 or 3 whereas these feminists are a 9 or 10. I know I have thrown tantrums to get my partner to calm me down and do what I want. I am a realist, luckily, and came easily to the truth of the matter. But these attention seeking, furious, tantrumming mothers are out of this world! It is like they are screaming for a man to calm them down and give them what they want but no man has come forward lately (surprise, surprise) and so they are getting out of hand. They have turned into psychotic, froth at the mouth, ugly humanoid monsters that make even their own flesh & blood turn away in disgust. Scary stuff!

    I can only think that your mother hoped that you would phone her back or rush home pleading, ‘Mother! Dear mother!’, calm her down and give her what she wanted. You didn’t and she is now living a harsh reality – no future grand children to cuddle & spoil, no daughter-in-law to fold into the family, no son to admire & embrace.

    The hardest part for me is knowing that young men are suiciding at alarming rates and I have to wonder what part feminism has played. How can women be complicit and not hang their heads in shame. Thank God for the manosphere.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The Angry Outernationalist

    This is an excellent article I wish I’d had thirty-five years ago …

    Let’s add another useful observation: your mother was going to be a feminist despite the university exposure, and that many mothers turn into feminists despite what appears to be a form of conservative veneer.

    Enabling fathers who torment their children in order to make Special Princesses happy are something to get away from as well.

    Most of my real friends know me well enough that the first thing that was suggested when I found out that both of my parents were finally dead was where we’d eventually celebrate.

    They were acting like this was recent news, but they had died several years earlier.

    I had only found out about that when I decided to do a routine records search on myself and my relatives, and I only did that because I was planning on returning to the States after a long period away and I didn’t need any additional fuckery from them.

    “We don’t go to Ravenholm anymore …”

    The zombies we grew up with weren’t any help, were they?

    That’s one very good reason we never go back anymore.

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  5. On point 3, the fact that you have to make a man of yourself at this time is because your SMV is far too low. If you start looking for girlfriends when your value is low, what quality do you think you’ll attract? Too many young men have the white knight syndrome at this age, where they’ve been conditioned to ‘put a ring on it’. I’ve had to give this talk to far too many 19 year olds sadly.

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    1. They seek out the girlfriend because they want to be an adult but they don’t know how. So they rationalise that if they get the trappings of being an adult – girlfriend, marriage, mortgage – then adult status will be conferred upon them by default. The truth is otherwise as you have noted.

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      1. They simply don’t know any better – and neither did I at that age. Geez I was awful. The only thing that makes any difference is whether you can start putting things together and working the truth out. The problem for many is that they won’t open themselves up to it. No point giving them one of my talks or Rollo’s books until they’ve hit rock bottom unfortunately. In the end, it’s all nature at work and the strong survive, prosper… and are always willing to work on their frame.

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  6. Mothers seem to be screwing up their daughters at a prodigious rate as well. I’ve raised three young men and all of them are extremely attractive to young woman. I can’t count the number of times most of their girlfriends over the years have asked me about “what seems to be wrong.” My first response was always what has your mom told you? Not a one of them had the slightest idea about the care and feeding of a young man, nor any real interest. It seemed to them that being female should have been enough.

    I usually ended up telling them they had better learn fast, or he’s gone. Ah, the vale of tears. Have you noticed these days very few young women would make the cut to be deemed a lady, and similarly young men a gentleman?

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  7. Hans

    Adam, I feel for you, you have been through the meat grinder and survived.
    I have found that many psychotic people in my transit through life than can only offer you negativity and complete fuckery. Better off without them.
    My parents were blank, emotionless zombies : I may as well have grown up in an Orphanage.

    I’m kicking back, having a nice Scotch now, and I toast your health and success, brother.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Dan Flynn

    A very generous post Adam, very courageous. It sounds like your mother was very egotistical and that it was more important for her to be ‘right’ about things than to be a supportive and loving mother to you. You were betrayed by the very person who should have supported you the most. Sounds like you were also let down by your school who should have at least tried to understand what was happening for you.

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  9. John C

    This was a great article. Probable one of your best Adam. When reading about your mum walking into the school demanding it remind of an old friend. I hangout with him and his brother but his mum was raging bitch. Her son got bully at school not long after her divorce. So she went down to the school demand this and that and when she did not like the answer she took both brothers out of the school. This mother made enemies with a lot of her old friends and treated the kids like a credit card. She would have boyfriends and the works. The damage a woman can do to her family in this society is incredible. I am glad you got a way from your feminist mother. Toxic people are drain on you, they want to bring others down to their level.

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  11. John Ricketts

    Thanks for being so open Ads. Different mother, different issues, but it was a good enough reason to make sure I remained out of the country (UK) from age 20 onwards. We each have good wives now though. He who laughs last . . .

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  12. snowshoecat

    “Looking back I am convinced that she had equal parts bipolar disorder and chronic narcissism.” That is the crux of the problem, not that she was a feminist. This article should be titled “How to survive and move on from a narcissistic mother.” Narcissists cause damage to everyone around them regardless of their moral or political affiliation.

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