Breaking up is hard to do. Or that’s what the song says anyway. In reality it’s easier than you think and it gets progressively easier the more you do it. I am a veritable expert in dumping people. But I didn’t used to be. Anyone who has read my first book, Pushing Rubber Downhill, will be more than familiar with my series of epic fails with unsuitable women, and my tin ear when they attempted to send me unsubtle signals that it was all over.
So let’s take a look at my crash course in how to dump someone from your life.
When to break up.
The time to initiate a breakup is the first moment you realize that this isn’t where you want to be. Not right that minute, but as close as you can get at least. Let me give you an example from my own prior dating life.
I met a hawt Danish chick who was in Italy on holiday. We had a nice time for a few days and then she left. I was a little bummed as she was much better than most, but what are you gonna do? Then a few months later she comes back for a little skiing holiday. Stays at my place for a week. We get on great. She leaves again. Then a few months later she rings me up and asks if she can come and spend a bit of time with me. She needed to get away from Denmark and wanted to use me as an excuse. I said sure.
A few days later she rocks up in her car. I went out to meet her and it was at that point that I realized that she had all her worldly possessions in that car. It was jam packed. Before you wonder at my subsequent actions be assured that she was a 10. I’m not mentioning this as some not-so-humble brag but more to underline the fact there is no way any of you guys reading this would have told her to go away at that point.
We get her stuff into the house. She’s a bit nervous and I’m not exactly sure what’s going on but I accommodate her. Three days later I wake up before her, go downstairs and get a coffee, and I sit on the balcony looking out at the view, contemplating what has been going on. And I realize that it isn’t going to work out at all. I am no longer comfortable with this arrangement.
She comes downstairs and she announces in a very happy and sweet way that she is finally over her own nervousness and she’s now really feeling at her home. I say, that’s too bad because you’re going to have to leave. It’s not working for me at all.
Did it go smoothly or was it a big drama?
The answer is that it doesn’t matter. When you come to the realization that it’s not working for you, every moment that you spend with the person from that point on is a lie and you do them no favors by prolonging it. On the contrary, you only make it worse for both of you. Take your medicine and get it over with. Yeah, you’ll feel like a shit. Yeah, you’ll feel a bit dirty. But that goes away pretty quickly.
How to break up.
Be a man and do it face to face. Take whatever is coming to you with staunch stoicism. You need to be unyielding in the face of the possible myriad number of attacks that she is going to throw your way. Do not give excuses for your behavior. Simply state that it isn’t working for you now and it would be unfair to both of you to live a lie and prolong it.
Do not say that you are sorry. This causes even fairly sane women to completely lose their shit.
If your lives are entwined in a complicated manner then it can be wise to get your affairs in order before you make the move. However, do not get them too in order as she will correctly identify this as planning on your part when you were still with her. This also causes even sane women to go batshit insane.
How not to break up.
There are many incorrect moves to make in this regard but I want to focus on the absolute worst – the passive aggressive breakup. This is where you engineer the relationship, usually over quite a long period of time, in such a way that she eventually initiates the breakup because being with you is just so awful.
Apart from this being both very weak and a douche move, it has a significant drawback. It only works with women who have other options. In other words, if she is using you in the relationship, whether that be for money or for a place to live or for potential immigration status, then she is never going to initiate the breakup.
The vast majority of the time you want to break up with someone because it’s not working for you. But if it’s not working for you and she’s not breaking up herself then it means that it is working for her. Which means that no matter how you behave, she will cling to that relationship like a randy little dog humping your leg.
Ironically, your dick move will just see you getting dicked in the long run. Karma’s a bitch, eh?
After the breakup.
People handle this differently, but until you know how strong you are then it’s best to practice the great art of disappearing without a trace. No contact at all. Withdraw from your common social circle as well, at least until she has the good grace to make like a horse shit and hit the track.
The reason for your disappearing act is because you want no temptations. You do not want to be in the situation where you bump into her while you are bored, lonely, and most dangerously, horny. Because your dick will easily convince you that one more roll in the hay for old time’s sake can’t hurt a fly and you will sleep with her.
And the next morning you’ll be back together again. But it gets worse.
I have two personal friends who both made this same mistake. And in both cases they got the girl pregnant that very night. What are the chances of that happening? I suppose that it was just a coincidence. You be the judge. Cue crying babies nine months later with someone who you broke up with. Not a recipe for family harmony I can tell you.
Why people don’t break up.
You remember how I mentioned that you’ll feel a bit dirty after the breakup? Well, there’s another feeling you can have, and this one is a bit worse. It’s the endless agonizing of, did I do the right thing? This is where you endlessly second guess yourself. Maybe she really was the one. Have I done the right thing? Maybe we could have made it work. She did have a really sweet side. What if I can’t find anyone better?
What if I die alone??
That last one is more common than you may think. Our minds can get pretty screwed up when we’re alone with the consequences of our actions and we’ve run out of alcohol. It’s also one that women like to throw around as they’re on their way out the door. They want you to second guess yourself and nothing is more scary to the social network generation than being alone.
Or is it?
Remember, the modern man has spent time alone. Use this time well. Take up some hobbies, learn a language, become more interesting. Prove to yourself that you don’t need anyone else in order to be happy. If you can do that then you’ll be in the position of never being vulnerable. And when you do find someone then there is a greater possibility that she will enhance your life.
Not only that but women are very attracted to a man that doesn’t need them. That’s why alone time is so important. It ends up making you even more attractive. So not only will you not die alone, you’ll end up with someone far superior than you were able to attract before.
So how did the Danish girl react? She was cool. She understood immediately, packed her stuff, gave me a kiss goodbye, and drove away.
Aww gee. Maybe I didn’t do the right thing …