It was bad enough when only old people who would otherwise have been stuck at home and thus would have spared us the chore of tolerating their miserable existence were using them. I’m talking about electric scooters. Scooter carts. Electric carts. Mobility aids. Those ridiculous contraptions that are beginning to infest our towns and cities like some mechanized plague. When we were worried about the robots taking over we had no idea that the guy behind it all would be that dude who was in charge of the Daleks.
As I said, it’s not just the oldies who have them now. They are the number one traveling choice for the fat and lazy. In order to successfully join the ranks of mobility cart users it is necessary to adopt some key attributes.
You do not necessarily need to be incapable of walking more than twenty paces without expiring from some debilitating physical condition, but you need at the very least to look like you are susceptible to such a predicament. This is after all why you are zooming around on your over-powered foot-crusher to begin with.
Try dressing the part in order to give some passing authenticity to your role. If you’re a woman just dress as if you were Hillary Clinton, except cheaper. If you’re a man, dress as if you were married to Hillary Clinton, minus all the suits.
Also, adopt a look of scowling hatred at the world around you and everyone who resides in it. You, after all, have been reduced to the humiliation of negotiating life by means of a mobility scooter, so you may well find that this facial expression soon comes naturally to you. Under no circumstances should you smile or give any indication that you are on the same team to another user of mobility scooters. While tempting in the short term, this sort of behavior will serve only to break the spell at the expense of everyone concerned.
If you are an Asian female then none of these rules apply to you and you can use these contraptions as your preferred means of transport with no adopted disguises at all. So it’s quite possible to represent your county in Olympics gymnastics one week and go do the shopping on a mobility scooter the next.
Depending on which part of the world in which you reside you either walk on the right or the left side of the footpath. That is unless you ride a mobility scooter. On a mobility scooter the preferred side of the footpath is right down the middle. Amateur users will weave from side to side in an effort to make a passing resemblance at avoiding pedestrians. But real experts will simply plow straight down the middle and expect everyone else to leap to safety as they pass with the sound of the electric motor whining and clicking in protest, like a panzer commander mowing down fleeing Russian troops before they were saved by the weather.
The most terrifying users of these hideous devices employ the ingenious and dastardly tactic of randomizing their speed, thus giving pedestrians very little chance to be able to anticipate just how much time they have before impact.
Such behavior is not limited to the side of the street. Indoor shopping malls are by far the preferred hunting ground of mobility scooter sociopaths. Most people will give at least passing consideration to walking on the correct side in a shopping mall. But to those perched on a mobility scooter they have free reign to reel out the complete package of random maneuvers, sudden speed changes, direction deception tactics, and best of all, the frequent and incoherent adoption of the forward and reverse gear switch-up. Throw in some complete circle turns and wherever these people are about to go is a mystery not just to them and us, but most probably to God as well.
In the extremely likely event of a collusion it is important to keep the following pertinent piece of information at the forefront of your brain: it is never the fault of the user of the mobility aid. No matter how suicidal their driving, it is always the fault of the unfortunate individual who has crossed their path. If a mobility user reversed at speed, crashed through a glass barrier, and plummeted two stories to land in the food court, it would be entirely the fault of the person upon whose body cushioned their fall.
Supermarket aisles are another preferred hunting ground of mobility scooter users. Taking up the entire aisle whilst parked sideways and scowling at an item that is “just out of reach” is your behavioral fall-back in this circumstance. Even better is when some groveling member of the public gets the product for you. Make sure to scowl at them in irritation at their humiliating gesture. Once they’ve gone simply toss the item over your shoulder onto the floor and resume your previous position for the next pathetic lackey.
Don’t forget roads. Mobility scooters can not only travel on roads but are the preferred device for holding up traffic everywhere. Get extra points for the number of vehicles crawling down the street behind you. If you can get a car, a bus, a truck, a delivery van and an ambulance with flashing lights in your line then you may even earn yourself a sticker from the mobility aid dementia team.
You get points deducted if you cover your mobility scooter with signs and flags in an effort to be cool. Nobody likes a poser.