Death to all mobility scooter users.

It was bad enough when only old people who would otherwise have been stuck at home and thus would have spared us the chore of tolerating their miserable existence were using them. I’m talking about electric scooters. Scooter carts. Electric carts. Mobility aids. Those ridiculous contraptions that are beginning to infest our towns and cities like some mechanized plague. When we were worried about the robots taking over we had no idea that the guy behind it all would be that dude who was in charge of the Daleks.

As I said, it’s not just the oldies who have them now. They are the number one traveling choice for the fat and lazy. In order to successfully join the ranks of mobility cart users it is necessary to adopt some key attributes.

You do not necessarily need to be incapable of walking more than twenty paces without expiring from some debilitating physical condition, but you need at the very least to look like you are susceptible to such a predicament. This is after all why you are zooming around on your over-powered foot-crusher to begin with.

Try dressing the part in order to give some passing authenticity to your role. If you’re a woman just dress as if you were Hillary Clinton, except cheaper. If you’re a man, dress as if you were married to Hillary Clinton, minus all the suits.

Also, adopt a look of scowling hatred at the world around you and everyone who resides in it. You, after all, have been reduced to the humiliation of negotiating life by means of a mobility scooter, so you may well find that this facial expression soon comes naturally to you. Under no circumstances should you smile or give any indication that you are on the same team to another user of mobility scooters. While tempting in the short term, this sort of behavior will serve only to break the spell at the expense of everyone concerned.

If you are an Asian female then none of these rules apply to you and you can use these contraptions as your preferred means of transport with no adopted disguises at all. So it’s quite possible to represent your county in Olympics gymnastics one week and go do the shopping on a mobility scooter the next.

Depending on which part of the world in which you reside you either walk on the right or the left side of the footpath. That is unless you ride a mobility scooter. On a mobility scooter the preferred side of the footpath is right down the middle. Amateur users will weave from side to side in an effort to make a passing resemblance at avoiding pedestrians. But real experts will simply plow straight down the middle and expect everyone else to leap to safety as they pass with the sound of the electric motor whining and clicking in protest, like a panzer commander mowing down fleeing Russian troops before they were saved by the weather.

The most terrifying users of these hideous devices employ the ingenious and dastardly tactic of randomizing their speed, thus giving pedestrians very little chance to be able to anticipate just how much time they have before impact.

Such behavior is not limited to the side of the street. Indoor shopping malls are by far the preferred hunting ground of mobility scooter sociopaths. Most people will give at least passing consideration to walking on the correct side in a shopping mall. But to those perched on a mobility scooter they have free reign to reel out the complete package of random maneuvers, sudden speed changes, direction deception tactics, and best of all, the frequent and incoherent adoption of the forward and reverse gear switch-up. Throw in some complete circle turns and wherever these people are about to go is a mystery not just to them and us, but most probably to God as well.

In the extremely likely event of a collusion it is important to keep the following pertinent piece of information at the forefront of your brain: it is never the fault of the user of the mobility aid. No matter how suicidal their driving, it is always the fault of the unfortunate individual who has crossed their path. If a mobility user reversed at speed, crashed through a glass barrier, and plummeted two stories to land in the food court, it would be entirely the fault of the person upon whose body cushioned their fall.

Supermarket aisles are another preferred hunting ground of mobility scooter users. Taking up the entire aisle whilst parked sideways and scowling at an item that is “just out of reach” is your behavioral fall-back in this circumstance. Even better is when some groveling member of the public gets the product for you. Make sure to scowl at them in irritation at their humiliating gesture. Once they’ve gone simply toss the item over your shoulder onto the floor and resume your previous position for the next pathetic lackey.

Don’t forget roads. Mobility scooters can not only travel on roads but are the preferred device for holding up traffic everywhere. Get extra points for the number of vehicles crawling down the street behind you. If you can get a car, a bus, a truck, a delivery van and an ambulance with flashing lights in your line then you may even earn yourself a sticker from the mobility aid dementia team.

You get points deducted if you cover your mobility scooter with signs and flags in an effort to be cool. Nobody likes a poser.

22 thoughts on “Death to all mobility scooter users.

  1. Dear Adam
    You have seen your future and are in denial or delusional about how well you will be able to get around on your legs if you plan to live until you are 80years.

    Of cause younger people think they are indestructible and immortal, Ive been there and understand that but it sounds to me like when it comes to aging you havent been there,so you only vaguely
    understand aging.

    However, I do agree that hundreds of mobility scooters in a shopping centre at one time is probably unworkable.
    So you are making a practical comment in that respect.
    Maybe in the future they may need to build shopping centres for mobility scooters only. The aged have to get up and try to live as best they can every day.
    They wont allow self choice euthanasia.
    Did it occur to you, that if you couldnt get around on your legs you might put on weight too. Maybe the weight gain has happened after the collapse in one way or another of the joint skeletal structures in the legs and hips. And no, exercise and magic food potions, wont always prevent this. In fact exercise can hasten the problem if overdone.

    Like

    1. Paul Joslin

      They did build shopping malls for mobility scooter users – it’s called “Amazon”. In fact, malls in the US are going broke because Amazon is the preferred retailer. Shopping malls could be repurposed as holding pens for mobility scooter users. Put in more restrooms, shuffleboard courts, and hold oval track scooter races in the defunct Sears.

      Win-Win!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Jerry B Edelen

    Adam,

    Just finished listening to your latest podcast….and you’re spot on. I served in the Australian Army on exchange from the American Army from 1983-1985. During that time, I had the opportunity to interact with many Australian Army Officers. And guess what? One of the greatest perceived threats to Australia at that time was Indonesia…for the same reasons you elaborated in your podcast- the huge mineral and energy deposits in Northern Australia- Ranger Uranium Mine, Helmsley Iron Ore deposits, Kakadu mineral deposits, etc. Considering the fact that one of the densest populations in the world is a canoe distance from Northern Australia- Indonesia, and Northern Australia is one of the least dense population areas in the world, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see the threat. Your extension of this threat to India and China because of unrestricted immigration is also spot on.

    On another thread…when you and the Good Wife do decide to come to the United States for a visit, please consider staying with me and my family during your visit. We live in one of the nicest tourist areas in the world- the Monterey Peninsula and we are empty-nesters- more than enough room to share with you.

    Keep up the great posts and podcasts…Your Australian down-to-earth observations, and humor are enriching beyond measure.

    Jerry

    Like

    1. Hi Jerry,

      Thanks for the offer and the kind words on my evaluation of Australia’s security scenario. As you say, it ain’t rocket science which means that a lot of people have picked up on it.

      You haven’t even mentioned all of the oil and gas fields that are concentrated around North West Australia. The Darwin gas pipeline that runs through the area was recently completed. Oh, and a Chinese company purchased Darwin port …

      If the Good Wife and I ever get out your way I will make sure to take you up on your generous offer.

      Like

  3. TechieDude

    I don’t begrudge the geezer’s mobility. There aren’t that many around here, really.

    What gets me is the scooters provided by the grocery store. Basically a scooter with a basket. It’s not the oldsters using them. They park in the handicap spot and use their own, for the most part.

    It’s the morbidly obese fatties, and Negroes. Half the time, I’m tempted to tell the fattie in the chair that a little walk around the store, in the climate control, and flat smooth floors would do them some good.

    And I can’t tell how many times I’ve seen a fit, younger black dude riding in the things. Once, there was one with his girl on another.

    Flat out laziness. Like I said earlier, the people that really need the scooter, tend to roll up with their own.

    Accomodating the handicapped in the US turned into a multi billion dollar fiasco. What started out a compassionate gesture – handicap spaces, morphed into the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). The money pissed on senseless stuff is ludicrous. I have a buddy that remodeled his AC supply store. Had to convert the one-holer bathroom (for the trades dudes) into two ADA compliant restrooms – Male and Female. Doesn’t matter that he has exactly zero women customers, and Zero in wheelchairs or scooters.

    Like

    1. TD

      Unfortunately, the ADA lawsuits, the push to “mainstream” disabilities, and get everyone else to war l their lives in general were the real purpose.

      Like

  4. Lockwood

    I wouldn’t expect that to be a problem in the Netherlands.

    I don’t know that much about the Dutch but I suspect they’d have more self respect.

    Unless I’m completely wrong.

    Like

  5. Doug Huffman

    In re fatties; I’ve been watching the Hotshots at the Ferguson Yosemite fire and noticed that they are drawn from one culture with zero notable exceptions. No fatties. No females. No Africans.

    The first physical fitness test, three miles in less than 90 minutes with a 60# pack!

    Like

  6. Allen

    I made the mistake of going to a Walmart on government money day. The electric carts piloted by the morbidly obese were moving up and down the aisles heedless of anyone walking through the store. Some of the carts were strewn about like destroyed vehicles on a battlefield when they gave up the ghost as their electric charge ran out. Meanwhile out in the parking lot disabled placarded vehicles were jousting for handicapped spaces closest to the doors.

    Everyone involved that I saw was in their 20’s and 30’s and were fat, enormously fat. Guess what was in their shopping carts? Products containing high fructose corn syrup. Sure, 5000 calories per day intake is a glandular problem.

    Like

  7. Pingback: In The Mailbox: 07.30.18 : The Other McCain

  8. Post Alley Crackpot

    “BEEP … BEEP … BEEP …”

    “Where’s that sound coming from? We’re not at Asda, we’re in a cemetery …”

    “Some aspiring rapper who was gunned down got buried in a Shopmobility cart.”

    Like

  9. Dave

    It reminds me of all the boomer dicks I see with disability stickers here in Melbourne parking their large 4WDs in disability spots and then walking around the supermarket pushing a trolley like he-man.

    In a healthy world we’d do away with this disability virtue signalling and just let nature decide….. hell it work for millions of years prior to the 20th century.

    Remember this group of disabled parasites are costing the rest of us in taxes and is only going to grow and be a bigger nuisance to society as a whole.

    Like

    1. Doug Huffman

      LOL. Your turn is coming Dave, unless you are going to off yourself at the first signs of senility, and if you don’t do that then you will procrastinate further and forget and drool and become a greater burden.

      We boomers have largely paid it forward, particularly those that afford large SUV’s or, in my case, BMW X5d SAV. Be sure and retire young enough to enjoy it. I’ve been retired since 1995.

      Oh, eschew the Great Wall of China Mart.

      Like

  10. Blog Dog

    Hey! I have to use a scoot when I go to my local Co of Cost because I need a new set of hips and walk with forearm crutches. And yeah I carry way too much weight as well. But I’m not joyriding the dam thing! I simply could not get my shopping done without it.
    I don’t block aisles and sometimes I do ask for help getting an item I can’t reach. But when I get re-hipped, there’s no way in hell this geezer’s gonna go near a scooter!!!

    Like

  11. Finrod

    Screw you. Without a scooter my girlfriend would never be able to attend conventions like DragonCon, and I wouldn’t want to attend without her.

    Like

  12. Stephen Ippolito

    Excellent piece, Adam.
    Like you and all other fair minded readers of your blog I am sympathetic to the disabled.
    However, like every other fair-minded person my compassion has sane limits.

    If someone is so lacking in self-discipline, self-respect and moral fibre that they allow themselves to get so fat that their knees can no longer support their own weight, then he/she forfeits any claim to my sympathy. End of story.

    (To all the do-gooders: NB.Obesity doesn’t strike randomly – like Parkinsons or MS. It has to be cultivated. This bloke didn’t just contract obesity like the flu. He embraced it:

    http://media-cdn.list.ly/production/218321/1430249/item1430249_600px.jpeg?ver=8014298329

    I’ve also noticed of late that these things are expanding in size like “The Blob” and that many now are the size of small cars. That’s both unnecessary and undesirable for the public good.

    Like

  13. Derrick

    I worked with an 83 year old man who could lift 80lb canoes off a trailer like it was nothing everyday. And I see an 87 year old man at the gym everyday, who injured his knees from a parachuting accident in the Korean war. Doctors said he wouldn’t walk again, yet he’s at the gym walking. So there is no excuse for it.

    Like

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