The ex-good wife.

Regular readers of this blog, (all 27.3 of you), will know that your humble host has been having some personal difficulties of late.

Yesterday these issues came to a head when I arrived home after a shitty session at the gym to discover that the wife had packed her stuff into the car as a prelude to leaving.

At least she had the grace to hang around to inform me of the decision.

Truth be told I’ve been expecting this for a couple of weeks now. It’s not much fun to drive home each day after work while wondering if your wife will still be there when you get home.

So why after 10 years together did she up and leave?

Short version:

Men are rational in their behavior while women rationalize their behavior. In our modern society there are no incentives for women to stay in a relationship if it doesn’t completely suit her any more and no consequences for her if she pulls the pin and leaves.

Long version:

It’s very tempting and all too easy in moments like these to convince yourself that you are a victim. But the truth is that I failed to keep her. And the truth hurts. In the first 9 years of our relationship she was dependent on me more than I was on her. There were a few reasons for that but primarily it was down to the fact that she was in my worlds; Italy and then Australia.

But the move to Holland last year reversed that position. And our marriage wasn’t able to withstand it. It’s very interesting because for the entire time that I have known her she has consistently demonstrated by her behavior to be the most unselfish person that I have ever known. But yet she has just made one of the most solipsistic decisions a person can make. She has jettisoned a life-long commitment for the simple reason that it doesn’t suit her any more.

None of us are immune to the variances and randomness of the world. And the collapse of the societal structure underpinning marriage and the family unit has made men’s positions simply untenable in this respect. We are all, each and every one of us, on borrowed time.

The question now is what to do. I do not know if my future will be in Holland. I have no support network here, which is not good for me either in the short or the long term. I must make my next move very carefully indeed.

Blogging may be light in the foreseeable future. On the other end it may be abundant. It’s not like I have anything else to do.

 

51 thoughts on “The ex-good wife.

  1. What’s an Agronomist?

    Bad news.
    You have given me wise thoughts & good advice via your podcast & blog. I wish I could give you something useful in this tough time.
    Be strong.

    Like

  2. Omega Man

    These are very hard posts to read. What you’re going through now almost happened to me. When my wife told me that she wanted a divorce, I didn’t yell or scream at her or tell her how much I hated her. I just told her that I still loved her and that to the end of my days that I always will. I wished her the best and told her that I hoped things would work out for her.

    She broke down crying and we ended up talking for hours after that. I was pretty close to tears myself and I suspect that she sensed that, but I kept some semblance of control.

    What can I say to help you, and what words will soothe the pain? Is there any hope left no matter how remote?

    I hope things work out. I know that this is a private matter so if we don’t hear from you in a while we’ll understand.

    All the Best Brother

    Like

  3. Dave

    Hey mate,

    Very sorry to hear that. Hang tough, hopefully you find something to keep you pushing through this like your writing has done for me, and I assume many others, in some troubling times.

    Like

  4. MatrixTransform

    Well, as a matter of fact, i just chucked a complete spazz and told the missus and her smart-mouth daughter to fuck off.

    It was a monumental spazz and i cant go back. I reckon it’s time they should both piss off and enjoy their own bad luck.

    I will be lonely and probably miserable for a while but, if you can stand living in south east Melbourne (2km from the train) then i have a room to rent.

    This is not a proposal.

    I do have a boat and it is snapper season.

    They’re all sisters mate.

    Sorry for yr troubles

    Like

  5. Starrman

    Adam,

    Sorry about the mess. There are others when you are ready, though you may have to ditch the marriage idea. What a shame and such a loss to the ex wife; stupid girl. She had a bright adventurous guy, what every women supposedly wants. You were probably too nice. These days they need a pimp hand so at anytime they think you will leave them. Crazy times we live in…
    Seems as men we are never enough. Social media has destroyed us: All women want a tough guy with no care in the world & men want pam Andersen with a brain. Lol

    You’re a good man Adam. Keep working out to alleviate the stress. Oh, and get another motorbike. I have a Tiger 800 Xcx that I really enjoy. It really relieves the stress and moving about keeps life more interesting.

    Like

  6. The cob

    Ah spewin mate. Fuckin women ey. I’m off to Bali next week for r and r. Surfing, guitar and tuning will be modus operandi. See ya over there brutha 😉

    Like

  7. earl

    ‘In our modern society there are no incentives for women to stay in a relationship if it doesn’t completely suit her any more and no consequences for her if she pulls the pin and leaves.’

    I’d have to respectfully disagree on that one. Sure it may seem in the short term there are no consequences…but in the long term there are PLENTY.

    I certainly know when it comes to two coworkers who just went through one that their exes are now in a much worse situation for making such foolish choices. And it didn’t even take long after the papers were signed that the exes started going downhill. No career, amount of money, or high title in the world a woman thinks she has replaces the headship of a man in marriage.

    Like

  8. Sjonnar

    That sucks to hear, man. Reckon you need to bail out of Holland and go find your old rafting buddies. Even if you don’t go back to the rafting itself, being around men who you know have your back is what you need right now. You can always count on buddies; girls, not so much.

    Like

  9. Epaminondas

    Women are not rational. It’s why we did not want them in positions of authority nor with the right to vote. Are women happier today than they were prior to “liberation”? No. But they are crazier.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. TechieDude

    Wow. That blows. I’d like to say I’m at a loss for words, but being a MIC, that’s genetically impossible.

    Sometimes there’s an ebb and flow to these things in a relationship. We don’t know the details and aren’t really entitled to them. But perhaps this is a temporary ebb. My wife and I went through something similar a while back. We were contemplating moving back east where my family lives. She kept saying “Maybe you should move up there and see if it works for you before we look into it” Dolt that I am, I simply dismissed it. I can work anywhere in the US, but I need a bit of infrastructure to do my job, and I have roots here now.

    It really was about me getting out of her hair. A coy way for a trial separation.

    We’d been through a ton of stress – a catastrophic illness for me, which utterly changed my outlook. A demented cnt of a boss for her at her new job (which ended up not working out), and buying and selling another house. She dealt with all the logistics of medical care, house buying, etc. Then again, it’s what she does. I can do it, just not as efficiently. To be fair to me, although I was healed the collateral damage to my body chemistry left me a moody, hormonal, and a brittle irrational dick.

    She had been seeing a therapist, which I was dispatched to see as well. The day before we were both supposed to meet, she said the line that fixed things – “I’m tired of living as roommates. I want my husband back”. Stress had caused us to live separate lives. That put things on the mend. In her heart, she wanted things to be fixed, and asked for that to happen bluntly, so I could understand it.

    I had taken her for granted, and she had resented that and forgotten how to flirt. I guess once the gina-tingles go, it’s all about them. Things went far better for me when I realized she wasn’t insane, she was just a being a woman.

    Seems like this boiled up fairly quickly. Otherwise, why in all that is holy would you buy a house, and spend coin fixing it? Sheez. I know maybe half a dozen dudes that this happened to. As Yoda once said..”Now, matters are worse”.

    Hopefully things will work out. Maybe her family will tell her she’s crazy. Hell, maybe they’re behind it. Shitty situation all around.

    On a lighter side, I cracked up when I read the “Women rationalize” part. As I started reading this post, the missus was texting me about misery at the airport parking I told her not to use. Big crowds, no shuttle bus in sight. The very same thing that happened to me last two times I flew. I texted back – “Hope you make your flight”, which started the hamster wheel going.

    Like

  11. You’re all good guys. Thanks for the comments, fellas. Much appreciated. All is good here. Remember, when you’re in the shit, all you need to ask yourself is ‘what would Trump do?’

    Like

  12. Axis Sally

    Now that you’ve heard the guys, allow me to put my oar in. Kudos to you for recognizing that “you failed to hold her.” However, it works both ways, and perhaps it can be said that she failed to hold you. Or perhaps you both got married for the wrong reasons in the first place. She may have been the first to recognize that fact, and acted appropriately. Any offspring? If not, there is not reason to stick together anyway. All the “love” and “experiences” and material comforts are not a substitute for a life.

    Support group? For a “gentleman adventurer?” Come now. Sell your worthless chattels, get a horse, a bedroll, fill your saddlebags with bacon and beans, and hit the trail!

    Like

    1. XXX

      Yeah, agree about the kids bit. The manosphere bangs on about how men don’t commit to women, but to their children, and consequentially to the mother of their children.
      I have accepted a long ago, that things are never permanent. Things change, people in your life come and go. There is peace in detachment.

      Like

  13. B.E.L.

    Everybody loses in these situations. I’m very sorry to hear it. I can only hope some good comes of it, somehow. We readers don’t know the details, and shouldn’t. If it wasn’t meant to last, so be it; if this is just an emotional response to overwhelming (but temporary) tough times, then with luck it’ll get sorted soon.

    Meanwhile, because Australia is in a hell of a mess and shaping up to get even worse, the country needs guys like you even more than usual. If you come back, come back like it’s a victory march.

    Like

  14. Bob Sykes

    My first marriage ended after 16 years because I was selfish and focused on my career. After floundering for a couple of years, I was fortunate to find and marry another great woman. Learning from my errors, I have now been married 35 years. Hopefully, I’ve got it right this time. Time will tell.

    Reflect on what you did or did not. Resolve to be better next time.

    Like

  15. albimac

    My one and only marriage ended after 21 years & 4 kids. I was completely caught in the headlights when my ex randomly “pulled the pin” and ended my world. Four years later and against all the odds, all the kids live with me and we’re all much happier without her.
    It was reading bloggs from guys like you that opened my eyes, and entertained in equal measure. Ultimately helping me through the rough parts. Cheers!

    Like

  16. Tom

    “We knew too little of the world,
    And you and I were good
    Twas paltry things that wrecked our lives
    As well I knew they would
    The peole said our love was dead,
    But how were they to know?
    Ah! had we loved each other less
    We’d not have quarreld so.”

    The Separation by Henry Lawson

    Like

  17. Allen

    Well I’ll be damned, I sure didn’t expect to ever read this. As in all things you’ll find your own way, and anything I could say would be superfluous, but this: good fortunes to you.

    Like

  18. Vektor

    The spoken words were: ’till death do us part’. However, we all know that shit isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on. It’s a joke…why are the words even spoken anymore? Why doesn’t everyone in the church, except the groom, just bust out laughing at the joke?

    The correct wording should be: ’till your dead or I don’t feel like it anymore’. All sarcasm aside, that is the exact state of modern western marriage. It’s only a ‘contract’ for men.

    I wish you well and hope you can find happiness without re-marriage.

    Like

    1. earl

      ’till your dead or I don’t feel like it anymore’

      It’s often because the majority of women (and to be fair some men) don’t fear God anymore. Hence the vows often mean nothing other than a formality to get through rather than an actual vow.

      The reality is the frame of marriage is God’s territory…when one or both of the spouses gets out of it is when problems really start to arise.

      Like

      1. TechieDude

        I was thinking of putting that in a comment, but really couldn’t work it in.

        And, I’d been drinking and couldn’t compose my thoughts.

        In my religion, Marriage is a covenant between you, the wife, and God. That’s why it’s pretty tough to get an annulment. Although there are a few eject buttons, like saying you never intended to have kids, or she says that. Because in reality, I can’t see why anyone would marry of it weren’t for chilluns.

        This situation got me thinking about my recent tribulations with the missus. And I got to thinking about the vows – In sickness and health, rich or poor, In good times and bad, I will honor you, forsaking all others until death do us part.

        Those clearly evolved because you will absolutely hit every one of those situations when you marry. I’ve been married nearly 30 years and we’ve hit every one, hard.

        Liked by 1 person

  19. Dave

    You are a good man Adam. Everyone who reads your articles are all the better for it.

    I am gutted for you, but she is the one who has lost out here, turning her back on someone with your wisdom, attitude and vision.

    I hope that if this is indeed the end of your marriage, that you can use this to take yourself to new heights, free from the domestication that marriage necessitates.

    I doubt there is anything any of us can offer you to help at this time, but keep at it, and know that you have people who respect you greatly.

    Best wishes mate. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Like

  20. BobS

    Bummer but comments prove your readership is up on your 27.3 guesstimate. As someone above states Oz needs guys like you here at the coalface

    Like

  21. didact117

    Damn. I sure as hell did not expect to see this when I opened up your blog’s feed yesterday. I am very sorry indeed to see that your wife decided to pull the pin on your marriage and blow it all up. While I cannot comment on her character, I also cannot help but think that she will ultimately be the loser here, not you.

    As for you, well, you have sent over good wishes and support when I was in the mud, and I have always appreciated and respected that. I pray for you, wish you well, and am sure that you will eventually bounce back from this. It may require a move back to Australia for you to rebuild your life, if that is what it comes to, but the fact is that Oz needs real men like you. Too many Australian boys these days have no idea how to be men; your advice, writing, and example are sorely needed in a Western world that is circling the drain right now.

    Like

  22. Bigusrigus

    Hello mate, I’m sorry to hear that. I was in Germany for four years and couldn’t help but notice that any guy who had married a German and stayed there became a shell of what they would have been at home. Being blue pill types they, of course, were not aware of the glaring reality that they had entered their wife’s frame for life, with no potential of escape once kids are involved.

    After I broke it off with an Australian girl who followed me there, I got involved with a very nice young local who was excited to move things along. She gradually began to creep into my life with the ultimate goal of pressuring me into staying. However, despite how nice she and her family was, I knew that if I committed to stay my frame would be forever lost, along with any capacity of outcome independence.

    Since returning to Australia six months ago I have been thinking about what conditions I would be prepared to accept to settle with a woman and start a family. It seems increasingly clear to me that today women expect to be near their family, and as a husband, most just become an extension of this – a provider and an accessory of sorts. I rarely see any exceptions.

    When my parents married, my father moved to my mother’s hometown at her request. But has this always been the case? My grandparents on both sides each followed the husband in bringing their families to Australia. The wife was promised security and home to raise children, and in return the man received loyalty. Both sets were married for a lifetime. I presume this was the way throughout most of history?

    I suppose that I’m beginning to arrive at the conclusion that unless a woman is prepared to completely enter my frame, there is too much risk of her leaving at her convenience some time during a life together. I am aware, however, that Briffault’s law still applies, and perhaps the goalposts of a woman’s expectations have moved so far away from traditional stability that the chances of establishing this are slim.

    Btw, I was back in Germany for a wedding a few weeks ago. Even though the girls are more conservative than Australians, there is a concerning new trend of husbands taking their wive’s name. I counted two at the wedding, including the groom, as well as a third to occur next year. Everyone was quite naive about it, so I ended up having some frank discussions as a result. Quite worrying if you ask me.

    Like

    1. TechieDude

      I don’t know about the wife being near her family for support, especially for kids. On one hand, it makes sense. Then there’s reality.

      We did that when my first was born. Moved halfway across the country to be closer to her family for ‘support’. Turns out, they were mostly useless. Granted, we didn’t move to the exact town, but her hometown wasn’t a great place to make a living. So in addition to not having the support she thought she’d get, I took a YUGE paycut moving. Time came to get a place of our own and we boogied back to my hometown, where we spent the next ten years.

      Moving like we did grenaded both our professional networks. Or rather, in the new place, neither one of us had one. That situation is burned in my psyche, and pretty much caused us to stay put when we became empty nesters.

      Like

  23. Pingback: The great danger of losing your frame overseas. – Adam Piggott

  24. Eduardo the Magnificent

    Your wife doesn’t know it yet but she fucked up. I’ve yet to see a divorce work out better for the woman. My own mother thinks she got a better deal (a man exactly like my dad, but younger) but her favorite son (not me), who used to worship the ground she walked on, hates her, so I can’t call that a win. I used to feel sorrow when I heard of a divorce, now I just laugh. She’ll get her just deserts, if she hasn’t already.

    You, on the other hand, will come out ahead as long as you don’t succumb to depression or the bottle. Just keep telling yourself that. Men age like wine, and your cork has yet to pop.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Apex Predator

      “I’ve yet to see a divorce work out better for the woman”

      This is very dependent on many factors and not quite as cut and dry as you are making it out to be. First off, if its a typically Western Nation she will divorce rape you for half your stuff with the ‘no fault’ clause and you will be half as rich as you were prior. Likewise, if there is children involved you now have child support payments for years.

      On the LONG term scale, you are right. The bitter and harsh reality of the sexual marketplace is that men start at the bottom and rise towards the top as they age. Women plummet off the cliff conversely and are at peak value at 18. However, with the plague of thirsty sexless betas now unleashed even a very average old hag can get herself a man far above her caliber.

      Were the sexual marketplace not turned upside down because of Clown World then yes, women would lose in all arenas except financially. But Clown World is here, so the old rules do not apply.

      Like

  25. thedeti

    But the truth is that I failed to keep her.

    I would take issue with this. It always takes two to make or break a marriage. I’ve never seen a relationship failure that is 100% one party’s fault.

    All men change. The challenge is for a woman to honor her vows and stay with a man who hasn’t kept her, who has fallen or failed, and whose frame has faltered. She is to stay anyway. Just as men honor their vows and stay with women who fail as wives, who have failed, who have lost their looks and cheerful personalities.

    You had it right the first time. She left because the marriage no longer suits her. She left because she is no longer dependent on you. Not because you failed to keep her.

    She left of her own accord, for reasons that are hers and hers alone. Let her go.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Apex Predator

    I would —strongly— advise since you are ‘halfway’ there to start to set your sights on getting to Hungary.

    It is one of the last bastions of sanity and rationality in a world gone mad and if you find yourself a nice green-eyed beauty there it is a better chance than not she will be conservative or fully red pilled.

    They are quite amicable to Aussies and Europeans because they understand that shared culture are the ties that bind next in line after DNA/blood. What seems like a loss, may be a gain you couldn’t possibly dream of.

    I had a very similar meltdown of a long term relationship with an American woman who had likely like your Aussie very ‘Western Ideas’ about how things work. She is now 40 something and childless with no marriage. All the money in the world, and nobody to spend it on. It is a hollow life.

    I am with a classic beauty who is a foreigner and brings traditional values to our relationship, it is an order of magnitude better than what I ‘lost’. Keep your chin up I believe this is a blessing in disguise.

    Like

  27. BLBeamer

    That’s awful, Adam. It’s never easy to go through this.

    I hope you are able to find some succor. After a bit of time you should be able to start making some clearheaded decisions, but not yet, I don’t think. All research I’ve seen says big decisions should be avoided at least 12 months after a major trauma if possible. That has worked for me at any rate.

    Hang in there.

    Like

  28. Andy in FL

    A man and wife must serve God above all things, including each other (not saying you or yours do not). I would study Ephesians 5 (KJV). Also, remember that man’s chief purpose is to glorify God. All the best Adam. I comment rarely but read regularly and very much appreciate your blog.

    Like

  29. Alexey BOGATIRYOV

    I had a similar experience to you Adam when I moved to Moscow to be with my girlfriend there. When we were in the States, I was her teacher and leader and the relationship was all sunshine. When I moved to be with here, I was inexperienced in Russia and our roles inverted. After a while, it became clear that she wanted me to take her to the States and not vice-versa.

    My condolences to Adam and know that you are in a dark place now-the heartbreak hotel where you miss her like food or even water at times. Nothing I can say can help but time heals all wounds. Always happy to talk to share experiences as I loved to river raft in Colorado.

    Like

  30. The Art Of Blades

    Honestly Adam it is disappointing to hear what has happened between you and your ex wife. Really it just shows us men that we never should take things for granted and that we should always push ourselves in positive directions so that our futures may become brighter then our pasts.

    Like

  31. I feel for you.

    It’s disheartening to see this considering you were one of those men able to rise about the MGTOW and the “never get married” types in the manosphere and make it work. I suppose it does serve as a lesson though.

    Now am I married for almost 3 years – of which happened after I found the manosphere – and have two kids already with my wife. I’ve started to wonder about things like maintaining frame vs sacrificing and accommodating for the woman I love.

    I’ve yet to experience a slowdown in frequency of sex department, but I’ve noticed that I’m lazier, not as flirtatious, etc as I was leading up to our marriage. I suppose it’s easy to settle in and even double down.

    One thing I’m really learning is to pick my battles and ensure they are things worth fighting for. That and learning not to be as selfish.

    I wish you the best. It’s a good time to be alive and plenty of adventures to be had. I know it may feel impossible to re-establish that level of comfort, understanding, and relationship with another girl, but I hope you do at some point.

    Cheers mate – from the US.

    Like

  32. Pingback: Whose job is it to keep mama happy? | Dalrock

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