First of all I would like to express my thanks to everyone for their support. Every comment is gratefully accepted and appreciated. There are many aspects of this event that I am not going to go into here as it would not be appropriate. In other words, I will not be making any public judgements on my wife’s behavior or motivations. It takes two to tango.
But I am going to examine the circumstances that landed me in this situation as there are extremely important lessons to be learned for men everywhere. Ultimately that is what this website is about and it has been very gratifying to read from so many of you that I have helped you in some way. The blog started out as a vehicle to sell my books but it has become something else along the way.
The big lesson that we can collectively take away from my experience is the very real perils of overseas frame. This morning I received the following comment from BigusRigus on my shock announcement from yesterday:
I was in Germany for four years and couldn’t help but notice that any guy who had married a German and stayed there became a shell of what they would have been at home. Being blue pill types they, of course, were not aware of the glaring reality that they had entered their wife’s frame for life, with no potential of escape once kids are involved.
My regular readers are well aware that I am most certainly not blue pill. But the issue of frame is indeed the underlining mistake as I identified in yesterday’s article:
In the first 9 years of our relationship she was dependent on me more than I was on her. There were a few reasons for that but primarily it was down to the fact that she was in my worlds; Italy and then Australia.
But the move to Holland last year reversed that position.
In other words, frame. In a modern relationship, frame is everything. To be honest, these days frame is just about all we’ve got. If you lose your frame then you are in grave peril as I can attest. What is worse, looking back at the last 12 months I cannot identify a strategy that I could have taken to counteract this core issue.
Back to the same comment that I quoted from earlier:
My grandparents on both sides each followed the husband in bringing their families to Australia. The wife was promised security and home to raise children, and in return the man received loyalty. Both sets were married for a lifetime.
My grandmother on my father’s side did the same thing. She met my Australian grandfather when he was stationed with the Australian Air Force in Scotland during WWII. At the end of the war she came out to Australia with her 3 year old baby boy, my father. They took the train from Sydney up to the little coal mining town of Lithgow where she was met by her husband’s relatives. My grandfather would not return for almost another year. She was squarely within his frame.
They remained happily married until the day he died from brain complications as a result of his heavyweight boxing career. She came down to see me in Sydney when I briefly moved there as a young man. My grandfather had been dead for a number of years but I foolishly asked if she was ever going to remarry. Her eyes flashed in defiance and this most calm and pleasant woman informed me in no uncertain terms of the complete unacceptability of such an idea. She had a husband, and she always did until the day that she too died.
Loyalty is the most precious gift that a woman can give her man, and no more so than in the unfortunate modern world in which we live.
At work on Friday I met a young man from New Zealand. He recently moved to Switzerland to be with his girl but he is having trouble finding work there. As such he is doing several training courses in an effort to break into the offshore industry. We spoke for a bit and I had the impression of a deer in headlights. He looked lost and scared and I immediately recognized his predicament. I wanted to tell him to go straight back home to New Zealand but of course I did no such thing as he would not have understood the message.
A pity that I did not apply the same message to myself. As I drove home on Friday I felt sorry for the guy, but ironically I was on my way home to discover that my wife had pulled the trigger on me for the exact same critical issue that I had so easily identified in him. Do as I say, not as I do and all that.
If I had a dollar for every story I have heard of Australian guys with beautiful Polish girls in Poland and the relationship failing I would have a very large pile of dollars.
The lesson is clear; you cannot under any circumstances enter your wife’s frame so completely as to move to her original country of residence where you will be in her world. It is the kiss of death. Your marriage may well last but as BigusRigus points out, you will be a shell of your former self. All we have is frame, gentlemen. That is why women are attracted to us. Frame is everything for the male/female dynamic and she must be in yours.
This event has gone off like a bombshell amongst our family and friends precisely because we were so rock solid. But we were rock solid in my world, not hers. If you make such a move do not be surprised one day if you wake up to discover that you are surplus to requirements. Frame will naturally shift between couples over the course of a relationship, but by moving to her country of origin the dramatic nature of such a swing as well as its permanency means that a man will have almost no chance in such a situation.