Homeless.

As of this moment I am officially homeless. I am sitting in one of those gormless work hotels that George Clooney inhabited in the film Up in the Air. Apparently I have one of the best rooms in the hotel; it has all the soul of a discarded shoe. The reason for my homelessness is that while I was away in the USA for work my ex-wife took the opportunity to remove me from our house with an ultimatum that I had no desire or energy to fight. Before I go any further I wish to state that I will not hear an unkind word about her; she did what she had to do to survive. She is at the end of her emotional resources, as am I, and the two of us are in an impossible situation. One of us had to go and it is my turn, but this leaving is permanent.

I have a bag of clothes, my failing laptop, the car that I drove away in, and my favourite pillow which was a wise move as the pillows in my hotel room resemble a condom stuffed with walnuts. The rest of my worldly goods are still in the house. The two of us managed to come to an arrangement on that side of things for which I am thankful.

I have a month or so in The Netherlands and then I must return to the USA for a few months on business. I am in this hotel until the end of next week and then I really am out on my ear. So I will have to make some arrangement for that period of time. I’ll probably hit a bungalow in a campground so as to keep the costs down. Yey me.

It is a positively surreal experience to be homeless at the age of 47. The glass half full Adam would declare that I now have all options available to me; the world is my oyster and all that guff. I am not wanting for money and I have an excellent job, so with all things considered it’s not nearly as bad as the time that I lost my job in Uganda and I possessed neither any funds nor a ticket out of the country. Somehow I got through that so this should be a doddle I suppose.

The glass half empty Adam regards me with scorn and derision, declares that I am the biggest loser on the planet, and wishes for the timely impact of a large asteroid with the earth in ten seconds from now …

No such luck then.

Those of you who have read my books and followed my worldly adventures know that I have reinvented myself several times over the course of my life. I have lived and worked on four different continents in a variety of jobs, and for many years the items that I could carry in two bags were my only possessions. If anyone can deal with this then it has to be me, right?

I wish it were that easy. I suppose the closest resemblance to this situation was the welcome I got from a girlfriend long ago after I had chased her across Australia on a failing old Honda CB750. Yes, she broke my heart, but it was a very young and inexperienced heart and I had only known her for about 8 weeks. My present heart has been intimate with my now ex-wife for over 10 years and she walked out over 4 months ago. I thought that with time it would get easier but in all aspects I am emotionally crushed.

The scene after I left that girlfriend in Sydney so many years ago is still etched on my mind. Sitting in a dilapidated hostel room in the depths of Kings Cross as I struggled to understand my predicament. Now I sit again in a hotel room. It is comfortable and smart, and I didn’t have to pay for it. But the feeling is the same. It’s like an old familiar blanket has settled over my shoulders, welcoming me back to the world of being alone.

I do not feel despair as I have no remaining emotional energy and despair requires a little fuel in the tank. All I feel is loss and that all of this is so unnecessary. But she needs her time. She has to rebuild herself. Those are not words of muck. The two of us have been through so much together, moving house six times in ten years, back and forth across the world. And all the while she held down a consulting job that required her only to give up her soul. It consumed both of us and all she could do was to put up her walls and try to survive. But her walls did not discriminate and our marriage was the ultimate price to be paid.

So here we are. It’s three in the afternoon and all I want is for the sun to set on this day so that I can give myself up to the nebulous world of sleep so that I do not have to acknowledge the facts of my existence for a few precious hours. But I know from experience that this too shall pass. Tomorrow I will go to the gym for a much needed session and on Monday I will throw myself back into my work as there is much to be done. And bit by bit I will rebuild and things will sort themselves out. It’s a tough old life and you have to become tough to keep making it. Time for me to live up to those 28 traits that I keep banging on about. That or identify as a woman and join a convent.

29 thoughts on “Homeless.

  1. jamie

    Take care its not to bad, just a new start, again ,i love the way you respect the Lady, girls will be girls, boys will be boys, as much as our great gov tells were not, sorry man i know it hurts, you didnt mention children? makes it worst,, your smart enough to go on. , toughen up, loosing a friend happens, never a real friend anyway. A long time chick in your life will allways have you in her heart, but she just changed in life, as we do, you give your everything to someone and in a moment everything has gone, nothing the soul you had got ripped out of you heart, confusion , men love girls and we {?} dunno them, but love them to bits,.been there done that,,,xx

    Like

  2. Al Jahom

    Tell you what, Adam. I’ve read most of your writings and listened to most of your podcasts.

    I can’t think of anyone more likely to come through this stronger, leaner, wiser and better all round.

    I’d offer you a room here if I thought the commute from SE England was doable.

    Personally, I’m concerned about The Duke. How is he, and will you get him back once the dust has settled and you get yourself established again?

    Chin up, mate.

    Like

    1. The ex-good wife got The Duke. Which is as it should be as I will be doing a lot of traveling for work in the future. Still sucks though. Thanks for the offer but I have to stay in Dutchie ville.

      Like

  3. HawaiiGuy

    Living out a very similar journey right now – watching 30+ years go down the tubes . . .

    Hang in there brother. Walk it out a day at a time – God grants you but a day at a time.

    I’ve found that expressing gratitude for what I have – my God, His grace, my kids, my job, my friends – and seeking to help/bless/pray for others takes my selfish mind off me – towards the needs of others.

    Not easy or enjoyable – but you can and will make it through.

    Aloha

    Like

  4. davidpr90210

    Have been homeless before; plenty of alternatives…..lived in the car(not alot of fun), did a spot of housesitting from various housesitting websites, tried short stay accom through sites like AIRBNB(usually too expensive), but maybe the couchsurfing website might be an option to investigate.

    Take any option other than a hotel. Something about forced hotel stays is somewhat soul crushing. Hang in there – one day at a time.

    Like

    1. I don’t want to be around other people outside of work. I want to finish with day with no social obligations. The house sitting option sounds interesting though.

      Like

  5. Charlton Saxon

    “Homeless” This sounds like the perfect prologue to a third entry in the Pushing Rubber series. Just wait until Adam gets himself back up on his feet and goes off on some crazy new adventure. Next book title- “Pushing Rubber in Your Sister”

    Like

  6. Post Alley Crackpot

    One day you realise that despite having had mortgages and leases and those sorts of things, you are in all matter-of-fact senses homeless …

    One benefit from having sufficient resources: the “Affluent Anglo-American Homeless” can afford to live wherever they like, clocking in to whatever “means of support” they have as convenient.

    Naturally, as some commenters are already suggesting similar things, your next book should be titled “Pushing Rubber on the Road”, with more than just a little nod to Jack Kerouac’s “stations of the cross” journey across Eventually-to-be-Hipster America …

    “I am sitting in one of those gormless work hotels that George Clooney inhabited in the film Up in the Air …”

    No no, don’t think of it that way, think of it more like David Byrne: it’s cool, it’s a multi-purpose shape, a box.

    “… I wish to state that I will not hear an unkind word about her …”

    As you like it then.

    But who are you following into exile this time?

    Like

  7. Klaus

    Kopf hoch! The offer is still good, Adam. If the walls start closing in on you, come on down to Mogadischu am Main…err, I mean Frankfurt am Main. The local cider, the local food (both good) and then the fanciest bar in town. With luck, my Italiano mate will have time and then I get to hear fluent Italian…with an Australian accent – hahaha.

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  8. “I thought that with time it would get easier but in all aspects I am emotionally crushed.”

    The time doesn’t start until the stuff if divided, the papers are signed, both of you have moved into your different lives, and there is nothing more for you to talk about. Then and only then will it start to get easier. Meanwhile all the stuff you still have to figure out keeps it in the forefront. Hang in there.

    Like

  9. PS A quick story. Four years after my divorce I happened to be riding my Harley through the state where I met my wife and where we spent our first five years. It was crushing as I remembered all the fun stuff we did; the rides we took, the places we experienced things together, even down to things like where we grocery shopped together and the bars we used to visit. I had to cut the trip short because of the flood of memories when I thought I was completely over it. Next time I went through there it wasn’t nearly as bad.

    Like

  10. I expect to end up homeless in the next decade or so because of government tyrannies and economic collapse. Already begun eyeing RV’s and practicing camping. I can make a game of it if I don’t let myself think about the people who work very hard to reduce us good men to this level.

    Like

  11. This comment is gonna be far different than any of the others, so here goes…

    “But she needs her time. She has to rebuild herself.”
    Sorry, dude. That way of thinking is wrong, wrong, and WRONG!

    SHE left YOU or does that need to be pointed out to you again?

    Don’t *you* need
    “time to rebuild”?

    Or is this really just a case of “The Guilts” cuz you, not her, were the prime decision-maker in leaving OZ in the first place?

    Regardless, you need the time and space to the same degree; perhaps more so seeing as how you were left. Guess “For Better or For Worse” didn’t apply to her, now did it?
    Don’t tell yourself otherwise.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. didact117

    I saw this yesterday evening and wanted to write in and express whatever support I can.

    Adam, you are a friend and fellow traveler down this lonely road, and you are the older brother or uncle that many of us never had. There is no one that I can think of who will come out of an ordeal like this stronger and better off than you.

    But it will cost you. You’re going through Hell itself right now, and I am sad to say that it will quite possibly get worse before it gets better.

    And you, of all men, will persevere. I know this because you have been tested before and you have always overcome the challenges placed before you.

    Keep faith in Our Lord, and in yourself. There will be new opportunities ahead and when the time comes, you will be ready to capitalise on them. I will be praying hard for you. I’d buy your books if I hadn’t already, and will encourage as many people as I can to do the same.

    You are being deliberately and forcefully broken by things and forces beyond our comprehension, and it is happening for a reason. The same thing is happening to many good men that I know personally. There is a malevolent purpose and will behind all of it, and it seeks to destroy us because of the threat that we pose to its power – for we serve a higher Truth that it cannot touch.

    You will get through this, my friend. We are with you, every step of the way. You have friends in places that you probably don’t even know exist yet. Ask, and we will be there to help you.

    Strength and courage, brother.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Bennix

    Oh sad sack, full of regret. Here’s a tip, the only thing that matters is family. This is what you do. One, you tell your ex she will always be family and she is always welcome in your life (but not intimately ever again of course) and move on. Two, you find a woman you like and are compatible with (NOT your muse or soulmate) just someone who shares your VALUES and someone not professionally engaged okay. Someone who will commit to your life together, note the word together. Then you marry her and have four children and you build a life up with her day by day. You stay with her through good times and not do good and your encourage her homeliness, her feminine touches, her mothering of YOUR children. And feel satisfied, loved, appreciated and content. Do it please and treasure every second.

    Like

  14. Luke

    I’m not trying to be harsh, but socabill is right, you are making excuses for her when the reality is she got rid of you. She doesn’t have your back and clearly the reality is that like all women she never did.

    I like women but they are what they are and we have to accept that if we want to enjoy their company. Underneath all their emotions subconsciously or otherwise they really do view us as a utility. Everything else is an illusion.

    It is time for you to cut this woman out of your life completely, because to be frank your post has worrying suggestions of you waiting around like a cuck hoping she’ll change her mind. Fuck that.

    You need to start building yourself up again, remember the good times but accept that that part of your life has come to an end.

    Easy to say, very hard to do, I know – and I’m not saying I would handle it any better than you, because I probably wouldn’t…

    Like

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