Yesterday I got a new phone, a real one; an android, because there is no way I will ever join the Apple Nazi brigade. I have an original Blackberry which I love but it is no longer supported by apps that I need for work and so I bit the bullet. I just bought a simple Samsung A6,  nothing fancy. I don’t get the phone thing and this is from someone who was on the computer bandwagon back in my teens in the mid eighties. Now that I have my first android phone I still don’t get what all the fuss is about. How people can spend four figures on these things is simply beyond me.

I like nice things but there has to be a reason to spend the extra cash. I have a nice car because I spend a lot of time in it and I want to be protected as well as possible if something or someone runs into me. I like nice clothes because they feel good on you, they look good on you, and they don’t fall apart after two washes. I like nice cigars and wine and whiskey because you need no reason to explain that one. I like a powerful computer because I don’t want to sit staring at a screen loading; my time is valuable.

But a phone? You talk on it and send messages. At least that’s what I do.

Everyone else seems to spend an inordinate amount of time on their phone. They watch television on it, they play games on it, fuck knows what they do on it. I’ll be impressed the day a phone can make me a decent cup of coffee. Until then modern phones are just trying to do everything, and things that try to do everything usually end up doing everything at a shitty level.

It was amusing setting up my phone. Straight away the overseers at Google demanded that I allow them access to all of my files, contacts, photos, (I don’t have any), film clips, you name it.

But there was an option. It was called “deny access”. I chose it. I chose it with glee and relish.

Other features of the phone required similar things of me. Deny, deny, deny. You’re all fucking denied. Beautiful.

Then I had to download an app. It’s called WhatsApp. Everyone at work has it except for me. They will be in mortal shock when they discover that I have Whatsapp. So I went to download it. It is a free app, but the download thingy, (I think it was Google), required me to put in a payment method for future apps that I may wish to purchase. Hmmmm. I was not happy with this, most of all because none of the payment options were available to me due to me being a luddite.

But then right at the bottom of the screen, after I had scrolled down, past a whole bunch of boring stuff designed to bore you so that you go no further, right after I scrolled down past all of that stuff, right at the bottom tucked away in a far corner behind a fat lady with a pram, there was a little button that said “skip this option”.

I chose that one. And then it asked me if I wanted to deny access to a bunch of stuff, and of course I fucking did, so I said of course I fucking do, and then it downloaded the app and now I have it and ha-di-ha-di-hah it’s working.

There should be more deny access options in life. I can’t think of a better epitaph for that matter – deny access. Mind you, I’ll get to heaven and God will look at me, give me a wink, and say, “Why hello there, Adam. We’ve been expecting you. Oh, look at that – access denied. Sucks to be you.”