A well known quote attributed to famous vegetarian and dog lover Adolf Hitler concerns the art of lying. Hitler mentioned that you need to make your lie a big one if people are going to believe it as they’re less inclined to believe that anyone would dare to tell such a whopper. In other words, it’s the little lies that get you into trouble.

Everyone lies, that’s just a fact of life and why it isn’t one of the ten commandments as God knew that some things were just not possible to change or even influence. That’s why Jesus never asked any of his disciples if he looked fat in his toga; he didn’t want to put them in a position of sin. True story.

When I was a young and very insecure man lying was a means for me to attempt to control my insecurities, but all it ended up doing was to make things worse. So for that reason I gradually overcame the tendency. As a result I ended up going in the other direction; now I look for the truth and I do my very best to tell the truth at all times. This has led to me being something of a non-conformist. But I tell you what, it really gives you a sense of freedom and living on the edge when a woman asks you if she looks fat in that dress and you reply in the affirmative. The other great outcome is that fat chicks stop asking you stupid questions in public.

Our friend Greta the Grinch has over the last few weeks been attempting to side step what appear to be naughty lies. As a former expert deceiver I thought that I would use my previous powers of evil for good. So let me pick apart Greta’s webs of deceit.

Greta apologies for her misunderstood remark of putting world leaders up against the wall.

Greta Thunberg, the 16-year-old Swedish climate activist, apologized Saturday after telling a crowd of young supporters a day earlier — while speaking in English — that politicians should be put “against the wall.”

Critics alleged that the remark, delivered in Turin, Italy, meant she was advocating for violence against world leaders who dodge their responsibilities to fight climate change.

“We have to make sure that they cannot do that,” Thunberg told the crowd. “We will make sure they, that we put them against the wall, and that they will have to do their job and to protect our futures.”

“Yesterday I said we must hold our leaders accountable and unfortunately said ‘put them against the wall’. That’s Swenglish: ‘att ställa någon mot väggen” (to put someone against the wall) means to hold someone accountable,” she tweeted.

I used the ‘I didn’t actually understand what I was saying or what you were saying’ line a few times when I lived in Italy and I was using the Italian language. It’s a notoriously simple get out of jail from a lie free card, but you have to be quick on your feet and convincing, which Greta is not.

I remember a specific example quite well. I had borowed my neighbor’s lawnmower to cut the waist high weeds in an allotment where I parked my Alfa Romeo. However, at a certain point the machine seized up, which might have had something to do with the extreme pressure I was putting it under. Now I had half the area cleared while the other half looked like a spot where lions could hide while stalking prey. I decided that the best recourse was to simply take it back to my neighbor and pretend that space aliens had broken it.

Unfortunately his geriatric and highly irritating father had been spying on me from an upstairs window and had seen my nefarious actions. He came down and craftily set me up with a seemingly innocent question as to whether or not I had broken the lawnmower. After I denied all responsibility he sprung his trap and called out my lie with the fact that he had seen everything! What to do, what to do?

Without hesitating I exclaimed that I hadn’t understood what he had asked me due to his heavy use of the local unfathomable dialect. His look of triumph turned to one of uncomfortable confusion. I then pushed back with small outrage at his unfair accusations. As his dialect was somewhat incomprehensible, this gave my lie the veneer of truth, as all good lies are. We separated and later that day his son came home and showed me how to extend the choppy parts on the rotor while laughing at his funny old father.

The truth was that his funny old father had had me in a bind but I stepped up to the plate and used the ignorant foreigner tactic. Worked like a treat, sorry gramps.

So the first thing that came to mind when Greta issued her explanation for her threat to shoot people that don’t agree with her was that she is a big fat liar. She knew exactly what she was saying, as did all of the Italians that were listening to her. Which is the entire point – the Swede was communicating to Italians and English was their reference point. Thus, she had to make sure that her message would be clearly understood. No doubt the crowd got the point as did the rest of us. But make no mistake – she meant exactly what she said and her pathetic explanation is a complete fabrication.

Greta’s other latest lie is her claim to have been sitting on the floor of a train carriage surrounded by her luggage. In actual fact it was a publicity stunt and a stupid one at that; who among us hasn’t had to sit on a train carriage floor across Europe at some point? In other words, there was no point to this lie; it was merely designed to show how hard the life of the poor world saving school truant actually is.

The German rail company on whose train she was traveling had other ideas.

https://twitter.com/RaheemKassam/status/1206290440523255808

Before the age of the internet this lie would have worked exactly as intended. The rail company might have issued a press release claiming otherwise to the reported facts but this would have been subject to approval by the media and thus would have disappeared entirely if so desired by our media betters. But today it goes around at twice the speed of the original lie, thus somewhat undermining all of the lying.

Hilariously, now the Greta team is attempting to further support her lie with the announcement that a Swedish journalist can back up her story.

The journalist, from Swedish paper Dagens Nyheter, also shared video of Thunberg sitting on the floor of the packed carriage.

The 2019 Time Person of the Year shared Urisman Otto’s tweet, claiming “since conspiracy theories are running high, here is what happened”.

“Media surprisingly seems to be more interested in a teenagers train travels than the fact that COP25 failed,” Thunberg said.

“Sometimes it’s lucky that you are travelling with journalists who can confirm the story …”

That we’re supposed to take the word of a journalist of all people as proof of her truthfulness is indicative of how desperate this stupid lie has made her handlers. You know, all those other people on the train who weren’t having to sit on the floor of the carriage. While I personally disparage social media I cannot deny its usefulness in exposing the lies of people like this champagne socialist Swedish bint.

Greta is a grade F liar – she lies a lot but is supremely unskilled in being able to explain away her numerous deceits. Take it from someone who knows. Now, if you don’t mind I’m going to return to my translation of Dante’s Inferno back into the original Latin for my 750,000 readers.

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