Step one on lock down crack is to wear pants. Hitch ’em up high and make goddamn sure that they’re belted. A set of pants not belted ain’t no pants at all. ‘Round here we got strong views and dispositions on individuals not getting with the pants at home regime. We gone to setting people at their doors, finding out what they’re up to, finding out what they’re wearing. Jeans ain’t gonna cut it in these trying times. We looking for decorum, people. We need to know that you’re taking this here crisis seriously. This ain’t about individuals. This is about the system and the system needs to know what the system doesn’t know, so we gotta get in there and get in good, dig around somewhat, see what we can come up with, what dirt there is laying around.

There’s always some dirt just waiting to be discovered. Just itching to see its release to the brutal light of day. The dirt is always so gratified when it comes to the light, finally able to show its putrid face. We be doing it a favor, yessir a favor to get it out and up there. That is why we have to be zealous in our work. These non-pants wearing folk just won’t get with the program, and without a program what have you got? I ask you, just what is left if there ain’t no program? Why, anarchy is what you will find and we can’t be having none of that anarchy malarkey around here.

We even discovered just the other day some individual, I cannot mention their name nor even their sex, let alone their sexual orientations. Just the other day we discovered said individual wearing sweatpants. It was a mighty shock to the boys, I can tell you that. Nobody was expecting to walk in there and be confronted with that sort of nastiness. Think about it; you’re an honest god faring man who has a job to do, a simple job but a necessary job. You get up in the morning and you have a cup of coffee and some grits and ham, and you kiss the wife and you head out the door. It’s just supposed to be another day, just the job that you have to do. You’re not expecting trouble, but you’re not exactly expecting easy times either. You know that there will be something out there waiting for you, but never in your life would you expect something like sweatpants. What is a man to do when he discovers that?

I tell you, a couple of the younger lads, new to the game they are, why they were out on the sidewalk hoofing up their breakfasts, it was not a sight that I wanted to see. I had to get that sorted out quick. Folks were looking out their windows from across the street, peering through the curtains and other such malfeasance. There ain’t no law against that yet, but things are changing so fast that maybe they don’t know that it’s not against the law when I go over there and tell them to quit it. Hell, maybe even I don’t know that it’s just become a law that you can’t peer through your own window blinds at what’s going on across the road at that deviant’s house.

One of them outta know, at least, ’cause that’s how we got the call-in, the tip off as such. They knew or at least suspected that this troubled individual had taken to wearing sweatpants. It just hurts my mouth to even say the word. Anyhow, we had to haul the individual outta there, haul him out and down to the station he went, sweatpants and all. He’ll know what’s what when we throw him into that common cell and the other inmates get a look at what he’s wearing. There’s no hiding from that so we’ll just let natural jailhouse justice take its course and we can mark it up as just one of those incidents that happens. It will be his own fault really; he is the one that dealt the play, you put yourself in that situation and you gotta be prepared to deal with the consequences of your actions.

I’ll need counseling now for a few of my boys. Good lads they are. Not too bright, not very much upstairs worth speaking of, but they’ll follow orders and the dumber they are then the more orders they’ll follow. Gotta kick them in the butt now and then to get them moving, especially now after the infamous sweatpants incident. What’ll we find next? A dressing gown or robe? Heaven help us, I just don’t want to go there. But it’s coming, I can feel it, and a good leader prepares his boys for the very worst. The times they are getting juicy all right and you never know which way things will jump and how fast.

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